I am trying, today.  It’s still early, and I haven’t lost faith, yet, that I can make shit happen, today.  So much to do, so much to say…  sometimes, I feel like I am just inches from being on the right track.  Times when I feel like I am gaining on happiness…  like I could almost lunge forward, throw my arms around it, and tackle that sh*t to the ground.  But what is it I am chasing?  Knowing that for sure would probably help.  Instead of just running myself mad… 

I do have happiness in my life, but I always find it in scattered pieces.  I learned a long time ago, growing up in a sh*tty place, and losing friends who were too young to be lost, that one has to grab onto whatever happiness they find in this life.  It’s too short, and there’s too much pain to do otherwise.

So, philosophically, holding tight to what gives you happiness makes enough sense.  A bit Epicurean, but I’ve always been a bit hedonistic, so whatever.

But, when you don’t want to stand still…  when you want to move forward.  You have to figure out what you can take with you.  What’s yours to have?  What should be?  And, how do you go about holding onto a thing?  How do you make the right call, when you’re making decisions that become the rest of your life?  

I don’t know enough about anything to start redefining everything.

Wrote that earlier.  Just got back from the walking and shopping.  I feel kind if shitty, right now.  I need to eat something.  I have some food in the fridge that is healthy, and pretty much ready-to-scarf, so I am going to hit that up soon.  Maybe, veg out to a little Star Trek while I do.  I picked up a bunch of photos for my little art-scatterig project.  I would like to leave them all over (on benches, poles, and walls, at the beach, where ever), but I know jars are the best way to go (from previous experience).  I used to really enjoy doing this, and the few people I ever talked to who had found and kept the art were quite into it as well.  I like the idea of art being shared with the world that way – just a piece of the scenery, waiting to be found, by someone who sees it as a treasure.  I know I would love to find art that way.  I hope other people dig on it as much as I do.  I think I could really put some good energy out there with this project. 

I think it’s something I could really feel good about. 

I need to do things that I can feel good about.  I need to order my life that way – spending my time doing things that make me feel worthwhile.  It’s the only way I will ever get anywhere.


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