Hi Everyone. Haven't been here for a couple of weeks, not because I didn't want to be, but because I couldn't. It has been a really rough road, and if someone had asked me a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have believed it possible. I have told you before that besides having severe anxiety (which I thought I was actually handling quite well) I also have bi-polar (again, which I thought was pretty much under control). Well, I guess i was wrong on both countsl These 2 disorders don't mix very well, and although I wasn't really feeling much anxiety, apparently it was building up. A couple of weeks ago, I started withdrawing, isolating myself from everyone, even the babies, which should have been my biggest clue that something was very wrong. John thought maybe i was just a little depressed and needed some space, but soon began to see that i was sleeping more and more – some days up to 18 hours. He called Dr. B. who questioned him as to whether or not I had been manic leading up to the isolation, but John couldn't find any reason to think that, and had no idea what was causing the problem. I was pretty much unable to give any information – I was exhausted, getting paranoid and dilussional. They re-adjusted my meds, hoping to bring me out of it, but nothing seemed to work. I wasn't showing any signs of being suicidal, but Dr. B suggested that John needed to stay with me, or have someone with me at all times, even when i was sleeping. Long story shorter, I finally went into a manic episode last week, John caught me with a shard of glass in the bathroom beginning to cut at my wrist and I ended up in the ER at 3:30 am for eval. Thank god he caught me in time- no real damage, just a few minor cuts, and after a long night and following day, they let me go home under the "loving" care of halidol. . . I slept through the next day, suffered the anxiety of what had happened and tried to deal with the hallucinations haldol sometimes causes. So they stopped the haldol, and now I'm using Latuda and an increase in my xanax to control the anxiety . Today, I am finally feeling up to writing about it, and feeling like maybe there's light at the end of this tunnel I've been through before. I have been so excited about helping Sarah move into her new apt. on the 4th of August, and I am just praying that I will be well enough to go. I am very tired, but I am fighting through it and getting a little better each day. I am feeling sad and miserable about putting my family through all of this again – but they have been so supportive and I know that they love me and understand that this is so out of my control.

If I have learned anything over again, as I seem to have put out of my mind, don't wait until it is too late for help – tell somebody when you are feeling like you need help. Don't think you can just wish it away – it doesn't work that way. As soon as you know you are not feeling in control, call your psych. or gp and go in as soon as possible. It can only help, we just can't count on ourselves to be able to know when things are out of control.

Anyway, I hope you are all feeling well, having good days and nights, and PLEASE, get some help if you need it – do whatever you have to do to see someone who can help you. Thanks to those of you who sent messages wondering where I was and if I was ok – I read them today and really appreciate the time you took to think of me. Here's hoping my next post will be more positive. . . Good night. M.