Alright…so, First off sorry for the taking such a gap for my blog entries again, Things got way out of control and I just didn't want to deal with the internet at all.
The other night I had a breakdown, Just crying when I went to check FB, again it only just shows how much Maddie and Kim are having fun, and a life. I'm just stuck in this house, worrying about everything, and dealing with so much CRAP.
I then always start to wonder "do they even think of inviting me?" when they do things with other people, or are they embarrassed by me? probably so.
Though, I did talk to Kim on FB chat…We talked from like 10pm to 4am…That means something right? then again it might just be pity, She said she wants to see me smile more- That she likes me smile.
I don't even remember the last time I 'smiled'. By the end of the talk she said "SLEEP
Or i'm gonna get sucked back into talking with you,
LOVE YOU GURL,
and we ended it there for the night- erm..morning whatever. I keep reading some parts of the chat over and over, trying to decide whether or not it's true, or if it's lies and just based on pity.
I can't tell if I can trust the people around me, or if all those around me have some motive, or plot to get past my walls just to humiliate and use my own wounds and scars against me.
Anyway, then last night I was walking my dogs (I wore this huge hoodie despite how hot it was, just so no one would know it was me) and at one part, when we were walking back to the house, There was this car parked to the side near the elem. school entrance there (the elem. school is like right by my neighbor hood)
Anyway, It had beeped at me earlier- at least I think it was at me anyway- so I was getting anxious, almost had an attack, but as soon as myself and my dogs walked near it (I wasn't going towards it, but past it since it was on the way home) it sped off like he/she had been caught with murder…
Kinda freaked me out, anyway my dogs had a goofy grin after their walk, I'm glad that it made them happy.
So, now for today. Nothing much happened, though I couldn't get ANY sleep because of withdraw symptoms, and my stomach was acting up again after purging so much and abusing my Valium and morphine
Though after I took enough of those, I passed out. Not for long though but it was something. Anyway, So when I was trying to wake up my mom calls my name "Andrea!" and so I say I'm coming
Not sure if she heard me again because a second later she yelled my name AGAIN,
I get to the room, and it turns out my dad got a call this morning and finally got hired, and by the company he wanted to get hired by to. so I guess i'm glad for him, He starts for them august first, maybe if he's not around 24/7 him and mom won't fight so much.
Though they still fought about finical problems today and she was worried about losing the house blah blah- she dragged me into the middle of it again- but eventually things calmed down, whatever.
Since we have a pool I was nagged to go swimming with my brother today as well, Even with just them I can't feel comfortable in a swimsuit- obvious reasons.
so I wore a over-sized t-shirt the whole time. Then during this time, mom brought up Ali by mistake so that was strike TWO.
and then she started asking me when I would be 'happy' or why I let bullies from the past rule my life at this moment-
She has NO idea, it's not just 'bullies', she doesn't know about the sexual abuse, The self-harm, my ED's (eating disorders), and she understands little about my other medical problems.
Its not just ONE thing, it's so many problems at once I don't have any clue where to begin.
I think i'm going to shut up now, and stop complaining. Though, to end this entry a few minutes ago I cut another 'X' on the top part of my arm, I just watched the blood as it trickled down my arm and blood droplets fell on the floor.
I cleaned it up afterwards- so no one would see blood- but it was another failed attempt to not cut. Ugh…
Anyway, I hope everyone else is doing alright…Guess i'll talk to you later or something, I'm not in a very good mood right now, sorry.