I feel all mixed up. I have to start having feelings that aren't directly related to K. When I got his text tonight, I felt good again, but all day I felt worried.
I spent 4 years living for even a "hello" text from him. On average, for 4 years, K would text me about every 8 weeks. One time I went to a site to ask love advice and the people there told me they were sorry to say but it didn't sound at all like he was interested in me. It sounded like he was just trying to be nice by saying hello to an old friend a few times a year. I remember how devastated I felt, when I realized they were right…how completely lost. I knew it was true, that K had a life and didn't want or need me in it.
Well on May 25, 2012, all that changed. I was hanging out having drinks and listening to music with my best girlfriend M in my room. I got a text. I thought for sure it was P but I said sarcastically, "Oooh, yay it's K—!" And you can imagine my surprise when it actually WAS!!!
He said he was doing really badly and needed a friend to talk to. I told him I'd be here for him whenever he needed and that I'm just a text or phone call away. He truly appreciated that and thanked me and told me I'm awesome.
That's when the texting went from every 8 weeks, to every week, to everycouple ofdays, leading up to July 16, 2012, when we finally saw eachother again.
I can't begin to say how wonderful and remarkable this is. It's truly what I'd been waiting for for YEARS. My therapist is even surprised to see it going this way… But it did begin to get better early in the year as things with K and his girlfriend got worse, then finally ended.
But pray make NO mistake. This has not been without its incredible amount of stress. I am mixed up because I know I'm letting my guard down and once K takes off again, I will once again be left with nothing but my brutal, crippling depression. Even if K does like me as a person (and he himself said he finds me very attractive) THERE CAN BE NO RELATIONSHIP! He is 24 years old! I am 13 years older than he is and there's just no future. He wants children. And not now either,which is unfortunate becauseNOW is about the only time leftI'll be able to do it. In the future I'll just be an Old Maid.
I'm trying to keep this in perspective and realize that I am very lucky to have had this guy in my life at all and that I did reach my goal of spending time with him again, which is what I'd set out to do. But why oh why do I want more? Why can't I just be happy with our little get together and leave it at that? Why do I hunger for him constantly?
My family and friends are worried that I'll fall in love with K again. But the truth is, I never fell OUT of it. I never stopped loving him, and I never will. It's a once in a lifetime love and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.
I can only hope this will last a little longer, just a little longer… I need to be with him again. He is truly the only thing that ever made me really happy.