It is strange to find support and understanding. Here on this website, however, I have found both. I do not know how to react, really, so I am just trying to absorb the feelings. Knowing I am not alone in this strange world is very motivating. Others are here with me (special thanks to reallysearching and in111). Perhaps we are the ones getting better. Perhaps to be sane in this crazy world you have to begin a journey that turns everything and everyone inside out. Surely the way things are cannot be right, right?
I will try to answer some of the questions posed to me since I started posting here. This is good for me because I forget the okay times, that there were periods where I practiced the art of “Be Here Now.” I not only managed to survive, I also had some validation as a contributing member of society. The past five years have been particularly difficult though, resulting in my continued unemployment and living out of my car or wherever I can beg a couch.
First, I am in a very dark place right now. I have been in this place many times before. I have also managed to live an eclectic life, be a mother, work and be independent for a lot of years. As I mentioned previously, there was continuous therapy, medication, and different “treatments.” The Tribe’s messages and comments compel me to focus on the positive aspects of my life, then and now.
I love my daughters. I experience that tug of the heart, the quickened breath, the overwhelming connection to the universe when I think of them or am with them. The relationships are intense. I love my granddaughter in a different way, and it is a more peaceful and calming love. There is no doubt that I love them and they love me. Someday I will define what love is from my perspective. This love did not prevent the dark times, and in those dark times I feel that if I truly loved them, I would figure out how to get better. They have suffered greatly because of my mental, emotional, and physical baggage. But the love remains strong, and the bonds have not broken.
I love to help people, no matter how much of a mess I am. I am particularly good at taking care of the physical needs of others. Provide food, clothing, shelter, cook, clean, run errands, house sit – this kind of assistance does not engulf me in a crush of emotions I cannot handle. I do what I can, but I do not get attached. This is about the only time I feel useful or that I have any worth. However, when it comes to relationships that require connection and communication and self-involvement, I do not do so well and do my best to avoid the possibility of intimacy. Now that I am older, I find that I can also take care of animals and children. In fact, I relate better to critters and kids than I do to anyone who has reached adulthood.
I have an analogy that fits when I feel myself becoming close or entangled. There is a giant squid with multiple arms trying to grab hold and suck the life out of me. I cannot breath. I am so frightened, I must make myself disappear. I believe I have had more phone numbers, addresses, screen names, and bank accounts than most people because of the number of times I felt I had to erase all traces of my existence and begin over.
What happened, why am I this way? I cannot come up with an answer, and according to the six people who are witnesses to my life, my parents and siblings, nothing happened. There was no triggering or traumatic event. I am full of rage and dangerous, self-defeating emotions. Despite all the therapy and medication, I get so far and then the pain and rage paralyze me. Progress stops, and I know it is time to switch counselors, neighborhoods, jobs.
Okay, this is not as positive as I hoped, so I am going to stop, now. While I wallow in myself, it is my sincere hope that those reading this find something to make the journey more bearable.