when I fall i love, I fall all the way.  And I can’t seem to ever give up or let go.  I fell for a someone last year; and now I’m suicidal again.  This man, while he gives a first impression of being an involved listener, very compassionate, gentle and loving, turned out to be self involved and self protective and distant.  With him I frequently felt devalued and ignored; yet I just remember how good I felt when we had our good interactions.  I never feel that good on my own, without someone to share my conversations/philosophy/excursions.  I dont find relationships easily, either, and I’mwilling to put up with all kinds of imperfections and areas of different compatibility.

I keep wanting to tell this man what made me feel so bad about his behavior; but he doesn’t want to hear it.  I want to let go, but I keep remembering how good he made me feel sometimes (and still, when we see each other for just a few minutes).  Our breakup wasn’t firm or exact; I don’t know if we have a chance of being friends, and interacting again.  I miss our conversations and our walks.  I feel betrayed.  I feel led on.  He was the one who lured meinto a relationship, and then he balked.  I wasn’t interested in him romantically at first, but he gave me all those signals and implied invitations, and then I fell for him…I fell hard.  The last serious conversation we had (3 months ago) he told me he wanted to work on our feeling completely at home with each other, then the next day we had a huge fight about something and he hasn’t wanted to be alone with me (even just to visit) since then.  He says he does, and that he wants to be friends, but he doesn’t call or invite me to spend time with him.  He will interact with me, and act like he enjoys it if I call him, but he never initiates aything.  He said that he has never cut a friend out of his life, and he won’t do that to me, either, but we’re not really friends if I’m calling him, but he’s not calling me.

I can’t even explain the whole thing right now, I’m too depressed.  I just got my hopes up again a couple of days ago, and got shattered again, and I have no hope left to ever be in a good relationship in this lifetime.  And I just don’t want to be alone, without a partner.  I don’t want to go through any more of this life.  I’m already 50 and I’ve never been happy.


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