I did get a Christmas job and finally settled on one….its hard to do more then one at a time because they all want your open availability. All was well until they laid off 17 of us a week before Christmas. This job was not about earning money for Christmas. It was about paying the electricity, water and every other bill aside from the rent as my Father is paying that with his social secuirity check. As stated before, I am forever grateful and sickened inside by having to take this money. So I got laid off a week bfore Christmas which is a week before the annivesary of my sister's passing and about 2 weeks before the anniversary of my mothers passing……..so one can see December has never much been a good month for me.

I do not want anyone to know that I have this intense pain inside. A pain of failure grips me but its mostly the anxiety and the panic that wants to come through but I refuse to let it by pushing all these feelings away until I can figure out what I can do… I am very worried and the idea of living on the street scares the hell out of me but I also know it could come to that…….if things do not get better and soon. I have been living so long under this pressure that taking away the pain may just prove to be more stress then I can handle. I wish my son could still see me as this wonderful person who could move mountains if she wanted to…..but the last several years has showed nothing but pity and likely anger…he is scared as he cannot help me and that makes him crazy. You know it seriousness, I think I am crazy so I never tell anyone because I am scared to death of the reaction. So I will go along hiding my feelings…only letting some of them show when I am alonde……….