To me, it feels completely bizarre writing a blog. I won’t attempt to be poetic. Besides it making me feel pretentious, I can so scarcely describe my feelings accurately- in any format- to a point where it makes sense even to myself, let alone hinting at cryptic messages to others. I’m also fully aware that I will talk far too much about myself, contributing heavily to feelings of selfishness. Though I suppose not writing in regards to yourself somewhat defies the point of blogs. I will waffle a hell of a lot. Difficult to tell huh?

There are so many things going on in my head that the mere thought of writing everything down is difficult to comprehend. Even if I was capable of such, would I really want to? I guess seeing your thoughts laid down in print before you is like having confirmation that they, sadly, are true. No matter what steps you take to deny them. Generally I find comfort entertaining the notion that I am a completely different being to myself, yet when I come out of my fantasy-land stupor reality hits just as hard as ever. If I am honest, do I really want people to have an insight into my head? No matter how tiny a part of me opens up now, I can’t help but feel vulnerable. As though I’ve left the door wide open for people to barge in and manipulate me in whatever way they see fit. Neither is it a particularly joyous feeling to know (and have people comment on the fact) that you, as a being, are pretty abnormal. And most definitely not in a good way. Apologises now to anyone who may be reading this; I’m finding it pretty tedious myself to merely write it.

It’s been pointed out to me recently that I ask ‘why?’ a lot. Now while this may be a good thing for furthering my education, it got me thinking. I question everything. I’m not content with just looking at things, and seeing them how they are. I have to break things down, tear them apart and come up with so many different variations on my conclusion that it makes my brain ache. Why do I have to question other people’s thoughts and motives? Why is it so easy to convince myself that any positive attitude or remark made towards me is a lie? Yet the negative remarks are so quickly absorbed.

I am a difficult person to be around in any shape or form. That I have never shied away from admitting. There’s a constant battle in my mind as to whether I should allow myself to be around people. I despise the fact that no matter how hard I try, I am incapable of being a decent human being. I irritate the hell out of everyone, myself included. I can not even have a minor conversation with out my weirdness seeping out, and inflicting all my oddities upon everyone. My moods appear inconsistent and irrational to all. I can’t really bring myself to tell them why I am the way I am, the little of it that I know myself at any rate. Why would I want people I care about to be subjected to a plague?

Already I hate this completely incoherent piece of garble. I know I will be angry with myself for posting it up. But it’s stopping. Bad or good.

1 Comment
  1. lls 13 years ago

     i remember when i went to see a councillor at age 24.  i had just gone to uni.  just like you – i was fully aware that there was something really wrong with me socially.  i was desperate for approval.  up until recently i would always say things really really innappropriate.  i”m really embarassed to say it but usually it would be very sexually innapropriate stuff.  yet i was so socially bold and obcessive about keeping in touch with everyone that i probaly knew more people than anyone.  my councillor suggested to me ”so your quite popular then?  people like you?”  i said to her, ”i suppose so”.  the really wierd thing is the evidence was there in front of my face.  but i couldnt really believe the statement.  and that was confusing.  i would be so innappropriate socially.  i would take a joke way way too far and keep and say things that after a while just werent funny any more.  i have no idea why so many people still seemed to like me.

    that was still the same even a couple of years ago.  i seem to be liked by everyone.  but i just couldnt understand why since i was socially so innappropriate.  i just spent the last 16 months training myself in attraction skills.  you say you obcessively ask questions about everything.  i”m so the same.  i obcessively do everything that i choose to do.  anyway after the 16 months i have obcessive studied every tiniest detail of human interaction, every eye movemet, body language, mastering the skill of monitoring exactly how the person is responding to every detail of your body language and what you are saying, learning to monitor every word to make sure you are eliciting exactly the correct emotions in your oponent (lol) etc etc.   Now i can get rappor out of just about anyone – even the really difficult individuals that seem unnapproachable.  now i tend not to say innappropriate stuff any more.

    but i love your ”innaproriate” comments – if you dont mind me calling them that.  thats what attracted me to your profile in the first place.  your really funny and i thought ”i want this girl to be my friend”.  your innappropriate in a funny way.  people dont dare to say those innappropriate things cos they”re so concerned about fucking social protocol.  but i use that ”innaproprateness” to my advantage now.  if i see a hot girl sitting on her own i”ll walk up to her and say ”so how come your on your own?  do you have not friends?”  of course i”m joking – she”s clearly really hot and probably has loads of friends.  but no one else would dare walk up to her and say that.  so she starts flirtingly fighting with me verbally so to speak.  and i always say outrageous stuff – just like i used to – but now i”ve realised that 75% of it is over the top but if i fine tune the other 25% its actually really really funny.  one of my 2 best friends is going out with a guy called matt and her ex was also called matt and we are going out on friday with a guy called matt and she asked ”so how do you know this guy” and i said immediately, with no hesitation ”i dont know him really i just know that you only like people called matt”.  she said ”you know your quite funny phil – i was just talking to rich about it the other day.”  i think its impossible for us (you and me and this website type people) to see that.  like if we are really funny we would never know.  when she said it i was suddenly really surprised.  if i think about it i know that my homour is possibly outstandingly fast and intelligent.  but it just all gets filtered through that low self-esteem filter and we just see that we”re not liked – or ugly – as in socially ugly

    ok i clearly didnt play this response very well its gone off in 5 directions and not really going anywhere fast.  but i guess what i am saying is that as someone who has had neurosis etc i understand what it is like to be completely socially innappropriate.  however

    1) people really really liked me despite how outrageously innappropriate i was.

    2) 25% of my socially innapropriate stuff is now the core of some of the funniest material i now say and carefully time for maximum comedic response.  its taken me years but i have now ditched the other annoyingly innapropriate 75% of stuff.  i suppose maybe i”m saying dont knock the social innapropriatness – its a gift.  and from reading your profile page i actually thought the innaproriatness makes you (and i am talking to YOU now not just using YOU in the generic sense, so dont try to brush it off!!) by far the funniest person on this forum.  so think about that.

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