As I think of what tomorrow represents, I can't help but feel the sadness and empathize with those who knew and loved Dana. I am not sure why it pains me so much…maybe the anniversary jut is a reminder that life is full of uncertainties…and I can't help but see all of the pain. It seems to me the sadness and darkness has far outweighed the happiness in my life. Someone once said with depression you have blinders on and you don't see the good as much as you see the bad. If that is indeed true, how do you begin to tear at the weeds to reach a flower, so to speak? Depending on who I ask: a therapist, a psychiatrist or someone who doesn't know the struggles of depression, the answer will be different. A therapist may say: try and look for the positive. A psychiatrist may say: there is a medication to help you see more clearly. And someone on the outside looking in may say either: get over yourself or think to themselves "I am so glad I don't see the world like that."
If anyone bothers to read this, you can probably tell by the tone that I am…sinking. I guess I have to just grab a lifeline: my fledgling belief in God. At this moment, I consider any belief very…weak. I begin to question my existence, my purpose and if I even have one?
Surely the pain we depression sufferers have is for some reason? Surely there are flickers of light? Ha flickers, that is all that seems to keep me going, little minute pieces of hope that I will feel happiness again…
I feel like crap at the moment. A post I was going to center around Dana ended up being about myself…
Maybe the sun will shine tomorrow…I hope.
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TessErin, I am assuming with a heavy heart that your Dana was a child you lost. You have my deepest sympathy and understanding. The loss of a child is devastating and I do very much understand.
Unless a person has also suffered the same loss few can know the depression that follows or even how very long it takes to learn to carry the loss with any degree of strength. I know you feel like you are sinking, but keep reaching out, keep sharing those deep feelings and the loss will become at least bearable.
There are flickers of light, perhaps dim right now, but they are there, and you will grow to appreciate them as they become brighter. It has taken me years to see the light and to keep reaching for it, I do everyday. Just as i miss my son everyday. This time of year makes it worse, but you are not alone. Keep blogging, keep getting the hurt out, keep reminding yourself that you are alive and only you can share how much your child meant.
Hold tight to faith, whatever your faith is, you will continue, the simple fact you can reach out shows that you are working that grief and learning how to live with it.
my heart to you