Okay, so I'm a little freaked out today. I'm seeing behaviors returning that have been gone since I started the Lamictal almost 6 weeks ago. I have to admit it~ I'm really scared. Ever since my manager sent me that text letting me go from my old job a week or so ago I've been having a lot of nightmares, wanting to just sleep a lot to escape reality, avoiding seeing people, feeling low and empty, and sad. I recently noticed that I'm not happy or content to get up in the morning like I've been, excited to get to that first cup of coffee and a cigarette on the porch in the morning light. Instead I have to force myself out of bed (my dog Carley is usually digging the covers off of me because I've refused to get up and turn off the awful alarm clock by then), grab a ponytail holder, trudge up the stairs and heave a big sigh as I'm making the coffee.
My son's voice is grating on my nerves, and his constant need for attention drives me to bursts of anger and yelling. I have zero motivation to do anything, and I'm being compulsive about certain things~ hand washing, checking FB and Dtribe and my email every couple of hours; not sure what I'm looking for.
I feel lost. I'm tired and sad and angry and defensive and just want to be left alone, butthere's the other part of me that's screaming for attention and love and affectionfrom anyone who will give it. I hate that part ofme~ it makes mefeelweak and selfish and worthless. So I end up resenting the people closest to me for trying to help me. I'm too proud~ and it's such an ugly flaw.
I don't mean to bring anybody down with this, soif you're having a reallybad day I won't be upset if you choose to close this blog and do something else. But I feel the need totalk, even if it's justto a webpage that doesn'ttalk back. Like some other people I've talked to recently, I just need to know someone out there is listening. I'm having a hard time with feeling like anybody really cares…eventhough in my brain I knowthat's not true.
Up until the past two weeks I've been doing really well. But there's been 3 deaths of people I know in the last month, I've been "let go" from a job, I spread my grandma's ashes on the 4th, andmy husband just had his vasectomy doneFriday. Oh, anddid I forget to mention that his Mom was in thehospital for 3 days last week as well?And I'm still gettingblood drawn and having other tests done because of my own stomach issues~first thing this morning I had to go to the hospital tohave more blood sucked out of me.
I'm just tired. I spentall afternoon and night running around taking care of Aaron, making sure hehad cold ice packs touse, waking him up for pain medications every 4 hours,keeping him hydrated, helpinghim go to the bathroom. I even sat holding a trash can for him while he was fighting with nausea from the pain medications. I didn't go tosleep until 2 or 3 thismorning, and got woken upby 7 by my son because I was sleeping on the livingroom couch (I didn't wantto chance hurting my husband, I sometimes flaila lot during bad dreams).
I should be grateful because I'm pretty certain that without the Lamictal this would have turned into a severe depressive episode, while it's only moderate right now. But still, it sucks, I hate feeling like this and I don't want to do it anymore. Have you ever just wanted to run away, get a hotel room somewhere, and hide from life for awhile? Be somewhere that no one knows you, your history, your problems and joys, your responsibilities…I just want to be able to focus on taking care of what's happening inside of me right now. Does this make me a bad mom or wife? The familial demands right now are just too much for me to handle.
I think I'm going to go take a shower and wash my hair. When I get like this I don't want to bathe, but I know it will help me feel better. Maybe tomorrow will be better too. Tonight won't be like last night~ I'll actually be able to sleep.
I'm done ranting. I'm sorry for feeling so icky and having to share it. I just can't keep holding it in any longer.
Oh Key honey, I TOTALLY understand your pain! I often go off into daydream land and pretend I have another life out there somewhere- one without kids and a husband, without responsibilities, where I can do what I want when I want and answer to no-one. I also feel guilty at having these thoughts. But honestly, if I look at it practically, I think it's just being human. There are always going to be days where we feel it is too hard and we want another life without all the drama. I think having those thoughts and daydreams helps keep us reasonably sane- it's escapism. Like sleeping, like drowning yourself in a good book, it gives our minds a place to go when it all gets too hard. If we didn't have that I think (well at least I know I would) we would feel even more trapped, more hopeless, more depressed.
It's so hard being a mum sometimes- especially when you're sick with your own demons. All you want to do is look after yourself, worry about getting yourself through the day. But there is always someone who needs you, someone who wants something. Mothers don't get a day off. It sucks. I think that's why so many of us get depressed. Who looks after us? When do we get a sick day?
Please know that you're not alone! Everything you've said, I've felt- many times! Sometimes every damn day. I'm sending you hugs and hope things get better soon for you. Surely after all the downs, an up has got to be coming, right? oxoxoxox