Mood: Hopeful

 

I'm really hoping someone will say this is why I feel like this…the feelings I keep telling you guys I'm having, the feelings of being trapped, angry, sad, empty…those feelings.

Could the cause be because I'm depressed because my uncle died? 3 days before my birthday my uncle passed away, my favorite one, and I wasn't the same afterwards. I lost myself in my 13th party but I know in the back of my mind I was thinking, 'Tomorrow I'm going to his viewing and I know that the reason I'll being going down to see my family isn't because we're going to have a party for me, it's because we have to go to his viewing. And I know that Uncle John will never see me to be older than I am…he'll never get to see me do anything…He won't get to see me ever again.'

I don't know but I'm pretty sure I skipped ANGER because there was nothing to be angry about, okay I was angry, I was angry the world would do that to him and I was angry I hadn't called him for awhile. I was angry for the longest time and obviously sad. I don't think I did any bargaining…but I think I'm still in depression. And I don't want to accept the fact that I won't ever see him leaning over the counter at my Aunt's house sneaking food from the dip bowls or eating the cakes we bring to the family holidays.

I think I'm stuck in this but…it could be that my body has just shut down and is prepared for the next thing that tramitizes me… I think my mind is just preparing itself. You see…before my uncle died my dad was going through surgery and while he was in surgery I sat in cramped waiting chairs worrying that the last I would see him alive and well would be in a long ago distant memory of him yelling at me for not cleaning my room. I remember sitting in those chairs with my grandparents across from me and my mom next to me and my brother on the floor in front of me thinking, 'What if the last time I'll ever see Daddy alive was a few hours ago while looking in pain and looking nearly dead?'

He lived but that really took a toll on me and I wasn't prepared for it. After he was done I had surgery and I have this on going problem that makes me feel out of place. I mean no one else in my school, none of the popular preps have to go through what I have to. They don't have to come home to anger and hostility and then have to deal with my issue.

I know, I know everyone has problems at home because no one is perfect, but I'm positive that no one has to go through what I have to go through. I don't think I have the worst life, because I know little kids in Africa are living by themselves in mud huts but lately…I use to use that as a motive not to feel bad for myself…but lately that just doesn't cut it.

I don't…know if that's why I'm having these feelings and I don't think, no I know, I won't feel any better knowing if this is the cause for my…depression…if this is even what I'm going through…but if this is the cause or not…I'll still feel a little better…maybe?

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