Im not sure which direction I am going anymore. I confess i am my own worst enemy and now I am wanting to numb again. My abandonment feeling makes me want to self sabotage. I am truly so tired.. I wasted so much time and so much of my love on the wrong people. As time goes by I realize the true value of time and choices. the choices you make to not say what you truly want to say. To live the way you want to live. There are people who I should have loved. People I should have trusted. Moments I should have spoken up. I can think about how I want to redo it all and that I thought I had time. Time to change later on. But time never waits. It will go on to tomorrow and you cant get yesterday back.
You cant get two weeks ago back. You cant get 3 years back. You cant go to a moment in time you want to relive so badly. Time is such a painful thing. Time is such a fast thing. Time is so cruel but I guess time also a constant reminder that you need to always put time into the things you love.
Im crying again because Im going forward in my life with so much regret already and I am only 27. I hate that about myself. The ache in my chest grows more and more the longer I am alone in the same spot. I need to change something or else I will end it all. I fear I am letting that feeling creep back in. Like its my only way out of this prison of a brain. I am sinking into that numb feeling and the only time I feel like I can bare life is when I am focused on school work, when im around my family, when I am with my friends… I fear once I stop caring about those things.. I will end my life.. So today I am tired. Today the ache in my heart is burning more.. I dont know how much more I can take but I will hold on for as long as I can..
Sometimes I think about how easy it would be if an accident happens and my life is over quickly. Or maybe I just wont wake up from sleeping. Or if It happens just suddenly.. That is how bad this feeling in my body is.. Ive been praying for god to take this pain. I pray for him to keep me strong.. I pray for him to take this feeling from me, I pray he keeps me focused, I pray god brings something good to my life, I pray that he gives me something to live for. Its probably my first week praying every day. I speak out loud when I need too. Sometimes I cry late at night praying to god to make me forget or to just make the pain go away and I find myself asleep. I wake up and I made it through to another day.
