again another morning where i woke up early – this is a record!!! This morning, my bf woke up early too. we talked all morning until he had to go to work, about how he feels, if he has depression, what is going on in our lives, how he had eaten his favourite food, and he admitted that giving something up is harder than it looks, and kind of understands how i feel when i am giving up bad foods. I was beginning to think that we had sorted things out and were starting to get back onto track.

But then the mail arrives and brings with it more bad news. More bill payments bounced, more charges, more money money worries. I had left the money stuff up to him as he had asked. I trusted him, I needed him to look after me and he didnt. this was the last straw. I tried to log on online to find out what exactly had happened but I couldnt because he had broken my pc with the log in apps and stuff. So i am still waiting to find out what has happened with the money and how broke we are as i still cant log in!!! This is driving me insane!!! I started cried uncontrollably, whaling like I had lost someone dear to me. I had – my sanity. I had lost my mind. I rang him and told him i needed him to come home and fic this, that he had to sort out this mess. His response I cant i will loose my job! I would have to wait a few weeks until he could sort it!!! A FEW WEEKS!!! IS HE EFFING STUPID?!?!?!?

I told him that was not good enough that I needed him now. If he couldnt be there for me now, then he never could be. He said I would have to wait. To my disbelief, i hung up, called my Dad and asked if I could move back in with him – I was leaving my bf!!!! It was like i was watching a film!!!! It was so surreal. I talk to my dad for a while and then the bf keeps calling and calling so i answered. he wanted to know what I was doing, so I told him. He said he didnt want me to leave. he said he'd try and get the day off. he said he'd come home. I said fine, fair enough. I call my dad to update himon the situation and tell him that we are working it out. The bf calls 2 hrs later – I cant leave and come home. I cant get cover. I wont be home tonight, i have the youth group to go to!!! Stuff the youth group – we are about to loose our house!! We are about to loose all our money, our home, everything!!!

I felt so let down again! I couldnt cope. I start crying again and I start to look for a way out of this nightmare. i cant see one. i only feel dispare and sorrow! I feel numb. Am i asking too much? Am I expecting too much from a man as my bf? Should I stay or should I go? What should I do? I have no way out, no where to go, nothing. I feel empty.