As each moment passes tonight, I’m thinking that its just that one moment closer to my first ever appointment with a therapist tomorrow. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. A mixture of fear, trepidation and there is some relief there also. I think the relief comes from knowing that I’m FINALLY getting the help I need. I have lived like this, with the depression for soo long now. Even my stay at the hospital didn’t really help. All that did is make me want to go back. Go back to the safety of that ward.
I know I shouldn’t be scared of therapy. I mean my guess is that more than half of the members of DT are seeing a therapist. It seems like such a big deal to me. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the stigma attached to it. I remember saying things like “ A shrink, omg you’re a psycho!” or “ A counsellor, you FREAK!” well guess what Jacqui, you are the freak now. You are the psycho. I know that a lot of that stigma of seeing a therapist has changed, but it still sticks in the back of my mind.
I had to find the street that this therapist is on. It’s in an area that I don’t venture to often. Luckily its close to the bus mall in town, so getting there isn’t going to be a big issue. My main problem I have right now is coming up with enough money for bus fair. I don’t have any change in my wallet, and you can’t use EFTPOS on a bus. I’m sure I’ll find it somewhere around the house. It is going to suck tho, cause this area is quite hilly so that’s going to be interesting climbing up the hill.
I don’t know if it’s thinking about the therapist, but I have had a headache all afternoon. I have taken several pain killers for it, but its not doing any good. Hmmm.. tension headache maybe? I know I think too much about things. I know I worry too much. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I have been judged all my life, and I’m afraid of being judged again. Maybe it’s the fear of telling my deepest darkest secrets. Everyone has skeletons in their closet, I just don’t know if I’m ready to let mine out just yet.
I have always been a worrier. I worry about everything. Ever since I can remember I have been a “what if…” type of person. What if this happens?….what if that happens… what will happen if I do….. I have people say to me.. so what? What’s the worst that could happen? Then I’m able to real off all the things that could go wrong. I’m a pessimist and I’m not afraid to acknowledge that . Maybe that comes with having depression, I’m not sure. Actually come to think of it, it must be. Pessimistic attitude would have to be in a book somewhere about the Symptoms of depression.