"Yup yup. It's me writing again. I'm at another pub, brought here by my friend S. Anyhow, I moved from the tables where everyone is – too many drunk, shouting people to keep dog there. So two of us sat down at another table, in a corner. For five minutes.Then he left me. Obviously, i think. I'm not fun to talk to when there are others around, others to impress.

So now. Dog and I alone in a corner. Just managed to get a final pint, mixing cash & card. Still alone, lots of other people in the bar, at other tables… And i'm here with my crossword puzzle. All my friends/aquaintaces are at another table, knowing that i am here all alone, not caring, laughing.

Some people keep telling me that if someone don't want to be with me, it's their loss. I'm not sure, as there are at least 10 ppl sitting around a couple of tables having fun, while i'm on my own 3 meters away and noone cares. Seems like they're all perfectly happy – my being there or not does not affect them, other than them maybe saying "hi" as i walk past.

This confirms old, known thougts. As in: "your'e not worth anything, why even bother to try?" Silly silly me. "What makes you believe you're good enough all of a sudden?" "What makes you think you're interesting?" – the entire Jante Law comes crashing down. (If you don't know it, be happy.)

So, i did the only thing i could do. Took myself and dog away from there before they could say any more hurtful stuff (like they did before i left), and went home. I don't feel any better, but at least they can't get to me here.

That's it, really. Same old story, but stupid hope lives eternally or some shit like that – somehow you never give up on people even though you should. I don't know how many more times i need to be hit in the face by this before i finally understand it – and stop to care, stop to get hurt. I hope it's soon, because things like this completely destroy me, and i'll have to pick myself up again. I don't know how many more times i have the strength to do that.

1 Comment
  1. flowermantis 11 years ago

    hi Marriah.I can so relate to your blog,this has happened to me before and it really hurts.I dont go out to work related functions because everyone gets in their little clique and im on the outside.All I can say is,they sound very self absorbed people,so many people are like this.You are a lovely person,no I dont know you personally but from when we have been on chat you come across as genuine,down to earth,honest and basically a decent person.Like myself! lol.And yes,we do keep believing in ppl,coz thats how we are .I guess we just have to know when to stop believing in some ,and keep beleiving in the ones who maybe are worth it.

    Try and not let it get you down,i know thats easy to say,I certainly am affected by scenes such as you described and yes,it can be destroying to our sense of worth and self esteem.I just try and hold my head up high in these types of circumstances and keep hoping that one day I will meet some genuine friends who bring me up instead of tearing me down.I am happy to say i have met 1 or two souls who fit the description and their friendship is gold to me.So they are out there,seem very outnumbered by the f%% ed up ppl though.Take care of yourself and little dog,and remember you are worth so much ,and deserve happiness and love in your life.


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