Its not a bad lonely…its that lonely that I think I need to feel right now…I have wanted to use yesterday…Harder than I ever have…not a craving as I had said but to make the pain go away…I had a very soul searching session with my counsellor yesterday, it left me very raw and emotionally exposed….though I have been seeing him for a number of years…it has only been the time out of rehab that I have been able to see that i was not completely honest or aware of things…I left with the knowledge that this may take a long time…I have a tattoo on my arm that states "OUT OF TIME"  as a constant reminder of where I was…I got it many years ago…yet it glared at me…like a spiteful little child rearing its miserable pouting head, just becasue he didnt get his way…Yeah thats me…I stayed up late and woke up an hour before I needed to be somewhere..I didnt fret…I rolled with it…I adapted MY day to it…my heart still ached…I did not want to be alone…I headed to me meeting…it was good, I enjoy the safety of the walls, those walls give me the strength to step outside and face the world at times…but it is much more for me…I have to move forward…the pain might be immence at time…I dont feel it will kill me though I may for a moment think so.  I called my sister to come run errands with me…because I did not want to do them alone…we spent 4 hours together…I shared with her..I hugged her..( I have a very hard time with affection right now) I cried to her..I opened up to her…It was good for me…I needed it…Later I headed to my Out Patient to meet my counsellor for there (yeah I have one at behavioral services and one through OP) in my OP group I was concerned BC I am the only voluntary person there out of the 18 in my group.  I just want to get better, I dont want to live like this anymore…So I met with Kelly…It was like a mini revisit of yesterday…except she is a female…and I had 24 hours to think…no its more than that…she held nothing back…I challeneged her as I would anyone who can see me…in an hour an a half., I shared, I fought, I told her how mean she was…and that things she pointed out hurt…this will continue to be a process, I am aware…I left feeling positive…I  was going to say good, I am not sure what good feels like yet…It was interesting, she talked about how I have no idea how much progress I have made, and that I don't see it, and even if I did I dont give myself credit for it…I discount and shrug off the positives very quickly when they are said about me yet I want to hear them..I dont have the ability to trust they are true right now…Despite knowing that I am both talented and a good person, ( I can see that through my actions and things I have accomplished) it still seems so clouded and motivated be all the wrong things…Maybe when I can truly ACCEPT WHO I AM…and know that it is ok to be HUMAN…that I dont have to HIDE ANYMORE, and that most of all I WANT TO EXPERIENCE LIFE LOVE AND HAPPIENESS and share that with the WORLD…then I can more ahead…Lots of Love to everyone out there…And to the Still suffering I will pray you make it back….Michael