The Future Creeps

So much has changed since I wrote last. I have a new job and a new boyfriend. I want to write down what’s different and what’s the same. I am sitting in yesterday’s future and like any good time traveler, I’ve got to ponder cause and effect.

My new job pays better and allows me to experiment with creativity. There has been a big back and forth with myself on if I actually like it and I don’t know how worthwhile that conversation is. The truth is it’s something new to me and that can be terrifying. I’ve never been the best at dealing with change. My last job made me feel anxious because I wasn’t developing any particular skill other than customer service and after a while my growth was stunted. My new job is the opposite, there is so much room for improvement that the gap can be frightening. Creating as a job is a dream come true but it also requires I face some of my deepest fears about my own art.

On my first day I actually had one of those “worst case scenarios” come true. I had a client tell me repeatedly and outright that they disliked what I had made. They detailed what I had done wrong in their eyes. For a long time it was an experience that paralyzed me. I was, and still am, always waiting for the next person to blow up at me for making a mistake. But I am slowly working on letting go of that apprehension because that is in fact where the mistakes are coming from. For a time I felt anger toward that person but looking back he helped me see where I could improve, regardless of the poor delivery. I felt it was a personal attack, but it was more of an artistic critique.

In the future, or should I say in the present I intend to work on my own personal style. Make sure that I can give clients a product they wouldn’t get from taking a picture and running it through a filter on an app. I want to give them the experience of seeing themselves in a new light. Hopefully one that makes them giggle a little too. And it’s strange because for such a “silly” job there is an incredible amount of skill and bravery involved. But I would like to take a breath and sharpen my skills as well as my courage. Otherwise I do a disservice to myself and others.

As for my new relationship, there is a lot going on there. Looking back most of my relationship anxieties came from lack of experience. I was very down on myself and as I’ve grown older and had the opportunity to experience healthy intimacy what I’ve realized is I am not a monster but in fact a very normal person. The relationship itself is a little bit of a mess. It lacks a certain level of commitment that I’ve always found very important. It’s a funny feeling to know you’re with someone, not because you plan to stay there, but because you enjoy their company.

Truth be told I’m the kind of person that could stay there, but it’s just because I have an easy time finding reasons to see the good in others. And to see their potential. It’s not the best quality because often it can lead to overlooking their already existing behaviors, especially negative ones. There have been a few times where my feelings were injured during the course of the relationship. Once when I caught him talking with other women and another when he told me he does not love me. Writing it down I feel it sounds so extreme. Everything does in black and white.

The thing is, I can’t blame him for not loving me, I don’t love him either. But I do care for him and I know that he cares for me too. That’s enough. The other incident led to a hard but important discussion about exclusivity which was received well I think. At least nothing similar has happened that I know. Right now we’re in a good place, emotionally anyway. Physically it’s been difficult.

As my first relationship where physical intimacy is a factor I have so much learning to do. About consent and speaking up. About learning my own body. I think because of my trauma there are more variables than there might be for the average person. I’ve thought about seeing a professional over the matter. The one aspect that is rough is not being able to talk to anyone else about it. Because my family is so religious discussing sex is off the table with any female relatives. So any questions or concerns are for only me to deal with. Frankly I’ve learned some things the hard way. Giving someone else access to my body is about so much more than just the body and I want to understand more about it but I’m not even sure what question I’m trying to ask.

Those are some of the differences, and I think they’re wonderful opportunities to deal with some of my issues. I no longer feel as lonely or undesirable. I also feel more capable of my professional abilities. But there are some things that have not changed and I think those are the ones I have to focus on.

I spoke about my fear already and that’s an old one. I have a plan to tackle it through hard work and building a thick skin. But I also have some other hang ups like insecurities about my body. Insecurities about friendships. Despite my efforts I haven’t been able to build many strong meaningful platonic relationships. I think I made one, and one is very good. But I do still want a little more, I’ve learned from experience that having only one friend can be very unhealthy. At least for me because it causes an overly large attachment that comes back to bite me. I don’t want to give up on friendships, but I do know that I have to keep looking. And as hard as it might be I need to let go of some of the failed attempts which seemed to have potential but didn’t blossom.

As far as my body goes I know that I can change some of the insecurities through diet and exercise. Although I am having some trouble with the mental aspect of it, not to mention the discipline it takes to follow through. But if this past year has taught me anything it’s that I am much more capable than I believe I am and I know if I truly set my mind to it I can change my body and health for the better. I think that would also help when it comes to intimacy. Although I’m not sure if the answer to insecurity is simply changing who I am. I think there needs to be a mental factor to it or else it’ll be for nothing, I’ll never be who I want to be.

So as of now these are my desires for the present:

• Continue to work on developing my personal art style.
• Save money for a car.
• Find ways I can improve my relationships, both with myself and those around me. I believe the answer is quality time so I’ll have to try that out and see what the result is.

I want to wish myself a fortunate journey in these endeavors. I know that good results will come from my direct actions and nothing else. It is up to me, and that’s a good thing because I am just the person to get these done. I’ll check in some time in the future, that thing is always creeping closer. See ya, Orange Tree! xx