Well I havnt been able to sleep lately and there is a lot on my mind so i thought it would be a good time to write and get it all out. I havnt been sleeping lately because everytime I fall asleep I get woken up by a panic attack. panic attacks arnt new for me but they are when I am trying to sleep. I have never had that happen before. but also since I am awake I have been thinking like crazy…also since I was in a car accident so I dont have a car so I am stuck at home all the time and I have no friends because I shut myself off so I really am always just at home…
…anyways I have been thinking about all the times in my past when I seemed so happy, had so many things going for me and so many things to be happy about. but then I got irrational and impulsive and ruined it all for myself. And i know its all my fault I ruin these things for myself, and I hate myself for that…and I hate myself for knowing nomatter how hard I dont want to that I will do it again, just because of my manic depression.
Nobody ever believes me when I say I am going to do something,and I dont blame them, I wouldnt either…I get the greatest ideas and go all out…for a little while. but then I crash and dont want to do anything and give everything up. I keep telling myself I wont do it again, but I always do its inevitable. Its like when I hit that point nothing is important…all I can do is lay in my bed.
I see a psychologist and it doesnt even feel like he is doing his job…he talks alot about himself and tells me to get a job and do things that I am too afraid to do. I dont know how to talk to him. and I see a psychologist who scares the living S#!T out of me. he is cranky…and he doesnt even seem to know what he is doing. I just feel stuck in this crazy neverending cycle and I dont know what to do anymore…I want out of it. and I want to stop ruining everything for myself.