Well I havnt been able to sleep lately and there is a lot on my mind so i thought it would be a good time to write and get it all out. I havnt been sleeping lately because everytime I fall asleep I get woken up by a panic attack. panic attacks arnt new for me but they are when I am trying to sleep. I have never had that happen before. but also since I am awake I have been thinking like crazy…also since I was in a car accident so I dont have a car so I am stuck at home all the time and I have no friends because I shut myself off so I really am always just at home…

…anyways I have been thinking about all the times in my past when I seemed so happy, had so many things going for me and so many things to be happy about. but then I got irrational and impulsive and ruined it all for myself. And i know its all my fault I ruin these things for myself, and I hate myself for that…and I hate myself for knowing nomatter how hard I dont want to that I will do it again, just because of my manic depression.

Nobody ever believes me when I say I am going to do something,and I dont blame them, I wouldnt either…I get the greatest ideas and go all out…for a little while. but then I crash and dont want to do anything and give everything up. I keep telling myself I wont do it again, but I always do its inevitable. Its like when I hit that point nothing is important…all I can do is lay in my bed.

I see a psychologist and it doesnt even feel like he is doing his job…he talks alot about himself and tells me to get a job and do things that I am too afraid to do. I dont know how to talk to him. and I see a psychologist who scares the living S#!T out of me. he is cranky…and he doesnt even seem to know what he is doing. I just feel stuck in this crazy neverending cycle and I dont know what to do anymore…I want out of it. and I want to stop ruining everything for myself.

1 Comment
  1. gomizzou 9 years ago

    Hang in there Shayann–things sound rough right now but just keep battling(easier said than done, I know). You are beating yourself up way too much–I know how that goes. I had been doing it for years and years before I finally got something of a wake-up call that doing that to myself all these years had never gotten me anywhere and only led to making things worse as opposed to better. It's still difficult for me sometimes not to do it, but I've definitely made vast improvement in that area in the last year or so, and it feels a helluva lot better than ripping myself to shreds like I was constantly doing. You sound like a good-hearted person and seem nice from what I can tell with the few interactions I've had with you, so you are far from this horrible(I exaggerate) person you make yourself out to be from what I can tell. It's usually the ones that are overly self-critical who are far better people than they realize. Also besides, remember this freaking axnxiety bs that you deal with–and me too, etc–it is NOT your fault. It's something unfortunate and unpleasant that was thrust upon you that you did not ask for, and just know and believe you are doing the best you can to battle it. And btw, sounds to me like it might be time to find a new psychologist(I know, also easier said than done; it's not an easy process to go about doing, but..this one you're seeing doesn't sound like a good fit for you, so do what you gotta do). Stay strong and keep smilin'. 🙂

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