Never done this before. Here goes….

The past 3 years Have been almost like a roller coaster ride. i was diagnosed with Depression and anxiety when i was 15 after i had a panic attack. I was put on zoloft 50mg daily. the first month my anixety was more than i had ever expeirenced! i was literally waking up out of my sleep heart pounding. The only thing that would calm me down was running out side and laying in the grass. Every sound would startle me to the point i would jump 10 feet! plus i had suicidal thoughts (i would never actually do it) just thoughts about the what if's. after awhile the zoloft worked or i thought it did? i took it for a year all while drinking in partying i was in highschool and there was no such thing as a sober weekend with my friends. I gained weight and and stoped taking it i was 16 and no one advised me to stay on it. My view of it was it made me feel Numb that was my reason? Which now looking back doesnt seem so bad.

Growing up i had the textbook Alcoholic/Pill addict Mother…Always in and out of jail/rehab. she would take me to AA and NA with her for our mother daughter bonding time. As for my Father, My mother was his 3rd wife and he had me late in life by the time i had hit 12 he kinda stoped caring what i did. We always struggled with money becuase of his gambling habbits (parents got deviorced Blah blah blah). Which only made my resentment for them both grow. i dropped out of school and I moved out of my dads when i was 17 becuase my dad was so critical of me as a person. He never understood my depression and anxiety. he is from a era where mental illness is controlable or made up by the person to get attention.(never compliements only negative) then i moved around from house to house till i landed a part time job as a live in care taker for a man with special needs. and got another full time job to suppliment.

I was always in and out of relationships with Bad guys that treated me wrong the (ones with drug addictions) classic child of an alcoholic/addict. I finally got some smarts and dated someone who has there stuff together. Everything was going good. Then my mom up and left the state, she had started running from the law like she always did/does. As soon as she left things kind of went south. As i held on to my sanity my a thread an old boyfriend had died in a drunk driving accident. I lost it. My anxiety/ Depression took a nose dive. i quit my job. For the first year i struggled to get off the couch, i went for weeks without leaving the house And when i did i always had a fear of panic attacks. I couldnt even leave my street. I got into group therapy (which only made me feel more crazy) it works for some people i know…just not for me. I was diagnosed with Acute Agoraphophia. I saw a cognitive behavioral therapist. She was nice she came to my house for awhile but was unrelaiable and would cancel all the time. She taught me some good relaxation techniques though.

Im in the 3rd year of my "depression/anxiety nose dive" I know i should take medications but im terrified ill become addicted to benzo's like my mother and becuase of my cercumstances im alone to much to some "trial and error" with anti depressants. I know im my own worst enemy and ive thought about forcing my self to take them but something in my mind makes me think i can do it without. Meanwhile when i get down I cling to loved ones/ friends near try and think positive, Meditate, do yoga, or TRY and get out of the house.

Parts of my anxiety include….

Thinking im going to pass out in public, Thinking im going to get sick and no one will be there with me, taking any medications, drinking alcohol/caffeine. I only drink water or juice. I hate being alone and ive gotten to the point where i wont eat if no one is with me for fear i will choke or be allergic to something.

I know these fears are completly irrational but i just cant seem to shake them. not to mention if one little medical thing goes wrong with me…it could be indegestion I will be freaking thinking its a heart attack or high blood pressure. it sounds so silly seeing this in writing but in the moment its all i can think about.

It really does feel sometimes that im all alone with this. Everyone always says " just take medication you'll be ok." or "why cant you just do this, i dont understand."

Lately ive been feeling …Helpless, annoyed, Frustrated, alone

i just want it to be gone and i miss my life and the way i used to be without anxiety and depression the girl who used to try any food and not worry about my throat closeing up. Or the girl who would get on a plane and travel to a different state alone without freaking out about getting on the plane.

Ive come a long way i know that, but im just not where i want to be in my life.