I have been thinking a lot lately about my last post and the feedback that I have gotten, “once and addict always an addict”. Well if this addiction is something that I am going to have around me for the rest of my life, I think that I need that I need to name it. I have spent such a long time with it and the only word that I can accurately use to describe my addiction is [email protected] So going in from here on I shall refer to my addiction as [email protected] Frank. [email protected] Frank was with me all weekend making me crazy. For the most part we as a family did not have much to do this weekend but to go interview a new baby sitter for our boys. Last week out baby sitter announced that she was quitting, which was a major stressor, but I am pleased to announce that I did not let the stress get to me, I handled the situation like a real adult and put on my big girl boots and went out and found another one. This new daycare this is a real tragedy really only because we have been at this current day care for only a few months, just enough time for them to finally get used to it and now we are having to uproot them again. We were at our previous daycare, the one before this one, for 3 and a half years and had to leave her because of [email protected] Frank. [email protected] Frank made it so we had to sell our home and move away from the house across the street where I did the majority of my drinking and all of my pill buying. But now we have a bigger and better home and there is not a drug dealer in site, so I got that going for me. You would not believe how easy it was to make the decision to move when you have your whole life on the line and actually moving was not too bad either. I can’t believe, looking back, that I sold my house, bought a new one and moved all with only having a few months of sobriety under my belt.

I saw my therapist on Friday and our topic of discussion was guilt. I am of course dealing with a lot of guilt and it is a bit overwhelming at times. I wonder if going through recovery there are different stages, you know like the stages of grief. The first stage that I seemed to go though was relief, relief that I was no longer taking pills to have to survive on a daily basis and relief that my secret was out of the closet and relief that I was finally getting help. But that relief was short lived, it was replaced by a clean up phase where I had to clean up all the damage that I had done to my life, financially, as well as the toll that it took on my marriage. Now I am stuck in this guilt phase, I wonder what will await me after this guilt passes, anger maybe? Anger over what happened, anger at myself anger at my addiction, anger at my dependence. I don’t know what it will be, but one thing I can tell you for sure is that I am so ready to be done with all this guilt.

2 Comments
  1. jjrocksarizona 9 years ago

    Okay let's start someplace simple. first Addiction is a disease, just like i have diabetes and Heart disease, yes they are treatable. but the treaments must be done differently. I have to take my blood gluclose levels with a machine, then for mealtime i have to take my Insulin pump add my Carbs i eat and my sugar levels add then together and it tells me how many more insulin units i need to take. for my Heart I have to take two pills a day to keep plaque from building up in the blood veins. the other pill keeps me from having a possible stroke. now we have to start listening to what our hearts tells us. our brain will always tell us it's okay to use. nobody will know. just you and God will know. But in our brain is this SH#$ty committee and when 49% of them stand up you have to tell them you still own 51% of the chairmanship of the board and then tell them to sit the F$#k down. Next we do not and i repeat do not let anybody or anything live in our heads rent free…..they are just taking up space and we get self centered on those people, places and things we have no conrol over. we cannot change the past, we can't re-live it, we can't for get it but we can forgive it. we cannot live in the future because tomorrow has not happened yet. so we live in the present and open it up for the gift it truly is. I now have 9454 days in a row including holiday and wekends clean. I used for 22 long years. if an old doper like me can do it I know you can too. give your self a chance. just listen to the message and not the jackass carrying it. I hope with my experience, strength and hope that you can get something out of what i am trying to help you with. get your butt to some meetings, meet the women of whom you will come to love because they will save you butt from your worst enemy, yourself. Get a sponsor and cling to her like flies on crap…..work the 12 steps and get to the true roots of your problem. take babysteps at first, the leaps and bound will come along sooner than you think.  I hope this has helped……….

     

    Hugs,

     

    JJ

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  2. mrscgoff 9 years ago

    Thanks JJ I always love your comments you are helping I love the way that you don’t sugar coat anything.  You have a lot to teach a new timer like me about all this and I am listening loud and clear.

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