Hello Everyone, This is Iris… And I finally realized that what I have been trying to fight through for the last six months… no scratch that, for the past few years!

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I’ve been trying to find that place where I finally find peace.    ♥     I found it briefly when I finally admitted to myself that I am Transgender.  I know you’ve all heard this before, but when I step back and look at myself,  I can see that I have been distracting myself from this persistent interior disquiet,  in denial really. I try to see my image in this mirror but the image isn’t clear.

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I don’t really feel that I know who I am…

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I know I am not that boy I have been pretending to be. I want to believe that I will become Iris. The confident bright girl I have always felt inside. But I am not sure how to let her out. There are so many doubts in my mind, worrying about what others will think.  But what I am most concerned about is that I won’t like who I am.    ♥   This nagging thought wakes me up from dreams where I am happy, and the happiness dissappears.  And in this world of being aware of myself I don’t like what I am feeling.

Hold on, Tony is yowling… got to see what he is worrying about… Okay, I’m back. He was showing me the favorite big soft toy he hunts, captures and brings to me. I think he is trying to remind me that I am not alone.  He is reminding me so simply, that I need to be here now, a genuine being who is alive. I do feel these emotions coursing through me, and the mere fact that I am feeling them is some comfort.

But when I feel the most alive, the most real, is when I stop being aware of myself. When I am existing here with another living being. When I can realize that they are here with me. There are people and animals (I think of as people) and trees ( Yes I do love the trees.) , and the affection I give them.

I don’t know for sure where I am heading. But I do know that it is not in the place where I have been spending all of my time lately.

I am not in the bottom of a bottle, or in the brief salvation of bringing an old bicycle back from the brink of a junk yard crusher… or the haze of mj…