So as I said in my past blog Im going to take the time to write every day whether its on here on in my journal
Wiritng online makes me feel more at ease and not necessarily alone and also I can get things out quicker
I started dry heaving again about 5 minutes ago. Today I tried not to take my meds for as long as possible in the hopes that this will go away. It wont. So instead of having a full attack I took another pill.
Until I get this sorted out Im going to take it every night at 5:00 p.m. just when I get home from work so I dont constantly worry about when its going to happen next
Now, the countdown is on. 20 minutes now until my meds work. Until I feel this ultimate calm come over me. I hate waiting. I hate these couple of minutes. I know in my head Ill feel better very soon but soon cant come quick enough.
I also stayed up a couple of nights ago reading. Many thoughts crossed through my mind. Am I the only one that feels like this? Clearly not, but it still doesnt make me feel better.
I also went back through all of my thoughts as a kid and remembered when I had this same problem a while ago. Probably around 15/16. The same grip o fear from seemingly nowhere. I couldnt eat, my jaw woud clinch but I ould make it through the day.
Now, the day is the best part. I get up, get things done and then come home. Thats when I cant seem to keep my mind busy enough and free of negative thoughts.
I need to be honest with myself though. Whats happening in life is not normal. My mom's anniversary is coming up and my Fiancee's Dad has terminal cancer. All bad memories.
And back comes the urge to dry heave. Ony a couple more minutes and Ill feel better………….at least for now.