…..Well, last night I sat up all night guessing If I've ever meant anything to my ex. Since I've moved back to my hometown, Ive had time to get an idea of how I need to get myself back on track..at least somewhat. So,to be honest, I believe I have separation anxiety. I'm learing that it started from a young age. I was never really paid attention too growing up as a kid, and at a young age I had to assume responsibilty and take care of my lil brother due to a nightmare of a childhood. I feel like my mom and dad never felt I was important because my bro was the youngest and my sister was the oldest. Pretty much I felt like a non-factor to my family only when they needed something. Those feelings of abandonment helped me to be a better mom for my kids, but it made me a fool when it came to relationships. See, my daughters father was killed before I could share with him or his family that I was expecting. When It sank in that my daughters will never have a father, it made me stronger to stand out in my family and grab the bull by the horns and prove them wrong that I am capable of taking care of them on my own, and I did and continue to do so to this day.
While raising my kids, I've always found myself in a relationship for 3or4 years at a time. I'm over the old ones, but this ex is different. We started off as good friends, we were in a relationship for about 4years. We both had a great deal of stress and he was in denial of being depressed once his mom passed away while I was with him. I was the only one there for him and it broke my heart he was so hurt. Time passed and last year, I lost my job, I was overwhelemed with other things and so was he. We ended our relationship with harsh words, I moved back to my hometownand I havent spoken to him in almost a year. Since my depression is on 10, I miss him, I feel sad, I'm wondering if he even thinks of me and he was the 1st to call when I had a bad day. Ive tried to reach out to him to let him know I was sorry, but I get nothing-no response. I hate the idea of feeling used and from him I just want closure. I feel like I'm never worthy of it at the end.And now I'm alone, 31 years old, 2kids(pre-teens) and I'm not sure if I'll ever find anyone who really loves me for me.
~~I'm spilling more and more about myself on DT. So I apoligize if its too much at once. I'm wierd at expressing myself correctly so bear with me…Thanks for listening.