When bad things happen, I don’t try and hide them, but new sadness and disappointment quickly piles on top and mixes with the old. Things become so complicated, and keep recurring and it all stacks up. What is left is a feeling that I have been cheated, anger, sadness, hopelessness….it all stacks up an never leaves, and it becomes so complicated that I cannot even explain it. Things become so intermixed and…awful, I lose…the specific sadness of an event and I feel like it just makes one big collective pool of sadness that I can never get rid of. It is the scar that is my life, that never heals, but does not bleed. I just feel overwhelmingly sad and alone a lot.
This girl, she has been…very unkind to me, it’s like high school. I seriously think her insecurity has made her mentally unstable. She dominates my social circle, not out of popularity but out of…I don’t know loudness and “balls”. She is….well, she is unhappy with her looks, that she isn’t…I don’t know. I can’t say it but she notices that guys do not pay attention to her….even though she has a boyfriend. This girl makes my already tough life hell. I can’t hang out with the group because she attacks me, humiliates me….if I am talking to a guy she knows, she will sit across the table and text him telling him awful and embarrassing things about me. when she drinks at all she yells at me, calls me a “bitch, whore, slut”. Things are complicated with my “friends” I can’t explain really the story is too long, but they are inconsiderate and don’t deserve my effort….but I have no other friends…I’m alone at college and can’t seem to branch out on my own. On the weekends….i feel lonely and will sometimes be around everyone, hoping to branch out in the only way I feel comfortable. Every time I try this, try to be social, everything goes so well, all my old friends say how great hanging out with me is….i can be social and I feel like the people I meet actually enjoy my company…then this girl comes along and does something mean…and all I can do is try to hold back tears and wonder if I should just run back to my apartment to be alone.
I know, after several months, that this girl will always be this way. She has had a completely new group of friends every year since the start of college, and no one ever says why she is completely distanced from her last group of friends after a year, why they won’t speak to her, why she’s changed roommates twice. When she is unkind to me, people either say, “stand up to her….or ignore it” but she is so awful to me, everyone says so, but they enable her actions by hanging out with her….its dumb for me to even care about this, but it works up such a feeling of….sadness because it seems so wrong and I can almost not bear thinking that this awful crazy girl gets to be this way, and everyone grimicaces and complains but still hangs out with her…which means I am not included in the picture. When I think about it, I think, the next time she does something to me, I’ll get in her face and tell her how I really feel…”you’re a fat bitch and that’s the only reason you are trying to put me down. Everyone is on my side, everyone is disgusted by your actions, you only look like a jealous fool, no one is attracted to you, and that is not my fault. How dare you put me down because some people enjoy my company. If you didn’t get the attention you wanted, you did not deserve it. You will always be a fat bitch. You are that girl in the movies, that mean fat girl that is the “bad guy” in all the stories. How can you live with yourself? You are deranged. You are rotten to the core!”
I cant say that though, because although I think it every day. This girl, she’s punched another girl in the face right in front of me, she’s 50 pounds heavier than me…I can see it in her eyes that she wants to provoke me so that she can really unleash her insecurity out on me. she looks like some rabid dog in a cage ready to pounce, and she looks like she thinks she will really enjoy it. anyway….it would be awful to say that, even after all she has done to me, I don’t want to feel like the “mean girl”. Instead I sit back and take it, try to hold it in so I look more like the victim and she looks like the bully she is. I tell people, she won’t stop, something big has to change, I haven’t done anything to her or you….you all like me….why am I punished for her bad behavior. All these girls, they not been very considerate of me in the past year, but they all say how wrong this all is, how much they regret things….and I don’t want to be friends with them…in a perfect world…but this drama…it draws me in….it makes me feel like I have been replaced with this loud bitchy drunk who everyone is worried about/scared of. Another girl in this circle…she never hangs out with people any more…she goes home on the weekend because she, like me, is weak…the mean girl sees us and knows that we are vulnerable, that we don’t have a best friend in the group…and she is so cruel.
I thing all the time, why does she have to do this to me? I’ve been through so much else, she knows I had to withdraw two semesters ago due to depression, she knows I’m all alone her, she knows I don’t have a best friend….why does she need to make such a concerted effort to bring me down more? Does anyone have any advice for this situation? Or a similar experience? I don’t know what to do, how to cope, how to break away…help