No horrible war story to tell tonight. Just spent a couple of days with an old army buddy and we did our share of reliving a lot of shit that I didn\'t even remember – and we did more than our share of drinking. Like my trip to NY a couple of weeks ago traveling was both great and at times terrible. Anxiety levels were just all over the place. The toughest part I guess is not being able to control events to the extent you\'d like. Not knowing if you\'re gonna make your connecting flight – shit like that. Stupid stuff really. At any rate reliving the army days with my old friend was very theraputic. He\'s doing a lot better than I am. He does too much drinking like I used to and has his share of nightmares but he doesn\'t seem to harbor the degree of guilt that I do. He believes that he did what he had to and that\'s that. He feels no compunction or sympathy for the Hajjis. He was like "are you kidding me? you feel bad about taking out those motherfuckers?" I told him I did. He didn\'t understand it. He just said I was mixed up and things would become clear to me soon and that all the guilt would pass. It was a good few days. I\'m sorry to be alone again. There\'s a part of me that still wants to be in and be around my old buddies. The army is a family — it might be a dysfunctional family, but it was the best family I ever had. I didn\'t realize how much I missed that. Hard to be alone again – or around people who I don\'t understand and who can\'t understand me. Alienation is the word. Terrible, terrible alienation.

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