I hate feeling anxious.  Despise it.  Yet again I feel like I'm on the verge of an insane panic attack, it's starting, it's just not horrible yet.  I can't stand that feeling.  I can't stand the fact it's always over something stupid.  Well, something that would be "stupid" to "normal" people but to me it's a huge, horrible ordeal.

I have began to hate being near people.  Can't stand it.  Despise it.  It use to just be huge groups of people, now it's beginning to just be people in general.  I could spend years never leaving my house & be completely content.  I leave to take my kids where they need to go & other then that I sit here, alone, no contact with the outside world other then this computer & the occasional call I choose to answer which isn't often.

Today was an okay day.  Well, as good as it gets when you don't get out of bed except to move to the couch or make food for the kids.  But it was okay.  Felt pretty decent. 

Then the idiotic bf texts me that his friend might stop by.  No. No. No.  Don't want people here.  Then he texts that he's here. No.  The panic begins.  Then they come inside to use the bathroom or whatever & the panic gets worse.  I'm locked in my bedroom, they are outside.  It shouldn't matter.  But it does.  The thought of it makes me want to puke, freak out, scream, yell, cry.  I don't want people here.  Why can't he get that?  Why can't he get that it freaks me out to the fullest?  That it drives me fucking insane.  That he's making me psychotic.  Can't he go somewhere else.  Can't he go with them.  Can't he leave me alone to just sit here alone, forever.  PLEASE.  That's not asking for much.  I ask for nothing.  Except to sit at my house with no company.  That's not much, really it's not.

What happened the social me?  The me who liked people, liked hanging out?  It makes me sad, depressed that I've became this person.  But I really don't want to change it.  I really don't want friends.  I want to be comfortable & being alone is the only way to acheive that until I decide I can work thru this & now is not the time.

And it's only getting worse.  maybe trazadone will help me sleep.  Something.  I need silence.  I need them gone.  I need to be alone. 


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