I've done a few rituals…  And I am like why are you doing that?  Stop it…  The intrusive thoughts have come to a hault but I have been tring to avoid my tiggers.  So I don't know if they are gone…  Probably not.


Cirena and I went to Jackson.  Went out to eat at Wendys…  Where I just couldn't help but to listen to other peoples conversations.  I didn't want to but it just happens.  Then I looked out the window and thought mmm the mulch needs to be changed.  I know it's not summer or anything, it just looked depressing.


Then I just couldn't take the guilty feeling and I texted Derick…  I am a fucking idiot…  Why do I do that???  He gets on my nerves and I am scared of him but I feel compelled to make sure he is ok…  That makes no fucking sense to me.  I'm so confused.  I think if he is mad at me he will hurt me, so I can't have him mad at me…  I know that doesn't make sense.  It's like I am fucked either way.  And it's not like I don't want to be his friend…  But he tricked me…  Made me think I could trust him and I did.  But now I don't.  If that makes any sense…


Then Ricky texted me to ask if we still wanted to go bowling in BC.  Which at first I started to write how we were in Jackson blah blah blah but then I erased it and said No, I don't feel well.


Then Derick called me instead of texting back.  It's like why do you have to call.  Why can't you just text back?  i did not answer the phone.  I am an asshole.  I know this.  I don't mean to be.


Then Cirena and I played "Dog" in the middle 🙂  Suzie, our boxer, looks so silly tring to jump up to catch the squeeky toy, and one of our cats joined in.  Now Copper is passed out in his dog bed.  I wonder if and what he is dreaming of…  Maybe Meaty Bones???  He is over weight…  lol




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