Ive triedto lose the weight ive gained but i only end up gaining more.
It is so frustrating when your trying to do it not only for your own health but for other people to stop bugging and laughing at you.

I was at a family meeting last night an they all were talking about how beautifull i Was. Is like saying im not anyore. I know its their opinion and i have to respect it but when you are family your supposed to make it less hurtfull.
I already know what i am , i dont have to be rememebered that im fat, ugly and probably be single for my whole life. all i need is some motivation to go on and not things that will make it more depressing. I dont have somebody to talk to since ive always been like this, people simply dont understand. Simply think im lazy and a pig.

Since i have memory ive been followed by people who underestemated me, people bullying me, people hurting me all kinds of way. So all i did for those damn years is trying to make them accept me, trying to fit in, trying my hardest to look good and to act like them so i can atleast not be lonely all the time. When i finally made it, it wasnt enough either. It wasnt enough for me either because i was not who i wanted to be, but i wanted to be loved. When i saw other people smilling like they were truly happy and being surrounded by their friends giving them hugs i was so jealous. Because their i was trying to get close by others and they rejecting me. Trying to holding on the tears from running on my face when the ones right in front of you re happy. It is hard to pretend your happy.

So no matter if im fat or skinny, i will never find the connection. But i wanna atleast have the connection with myself, love myself and accept myself the way i am. I wanna be happy and at peace with myself for once in my life. But how can you do that when your whole life youve been treated badly? When you hear all the time for your entire life you are this and this and this, you will start to believe it yourself. It is you not them. Because how come everyone has a problem with you? It must be you then.