I feel like I have no more hope left. I don't want to end anything, but I can't shake this emptiness I have inside of my chest.
It's like, everytime I take a deep breath to see if it goes away, it just gets worse. I have a boyfriend who I sincerely love, but this girl at my school is doing anything she can to get between us and ruins my life, makes me miserable.
Without him, I don't know what I would be like anymore.
I'm a loner at school.. I mean, I have friends and stuff, but I can't relate to them in anyway shape or form. I can't talk to them about what's going on with me because one will get VERY worried to almost exaggerating everything while the other just ignores it and changes the subject even if I'm on the run to tears. I've tried seeing therapists and counselors, but that only brings me down more. I try talking about this stuff with my boyfriend, but he doesn't like talking about it. He doesn't say he doesn't, but I can read on his face and it makes me stop saying anything.
I've lost a lot of people in my lifetime and I can't help but feel like going is the way to go. I know I have a lot of people who love me and care for me, but that's not the point. So many people say, "Oh, killing yourself is selfish and you don't understand how it effects everybody and you're not thinking about other people." That's not true. I've tried staying as tough as I can for THEM. I tried making THEM happy for as long as I can remember.
What makes ME happy is thought of ending it all, but I stay in this f*cked up world for them and it sickens me, it only makes it worse for me. I know it's not a smart way to go, but… I really, REALLY can't do this anymore.
I hate how I look, even though a lot of people say I'm cute or pretty. I've never been called beautiful, amazing, etc.. I have big breasts that I sincerely hate and everytime I look in the mirror, I see a fat, ugly girl even though I'm only 133 pounds. I hate myself and I just want to go away.