Well I was off with the kids last week for spring break. We worked hard on the house and the yard. I was very busy but noticed from time to time that I was still having those awful intrusive thoughts, but they were kind of in the back of my mind and not really bothering me as much. I've been doing the four steps from Brain Lock – you know, Relabel, Reattribute, Refocus and Revalue and I thought it's finally helping. Some days I was not bothered at all. Then on the last day I had a whammy of a harm thought and it just left me bruised inside. It was one of those that was triggered by a knife – a knife I found in my son's closet. He loves weapons of all kinds. He has knives, a bb gun, and his own bow. I wanted to hide the knife, but I refuse to do that because it's like giving in to a compulsion. Then I had the awful thought that I was going to use it anyway. I tried to not resist the thought. I tried to let it come and go but the anxiety and the panic and the hopelessness and horrible sadness I felt overwhelmed me and I shouted No! OCD OCD OCD in my head. Ugh. This crap is hard to do! Of course I don't want to hurt my son or anyone. Why am I thinking this crap?! Then the endless ruminating and examing my feelings. And guess what I still don't want tohurt my kid. So why can't Iknow that and go on? Is it really the same thing as not knowing thatthe door is locked even thoughI checked the stupid door 10 times? Is it really?! How can I learn to just be an impartial spectator of my thoughts when that particular thought scared me so bad. The thought of hurting himhurts me so bad I don't want to exist. How can you have a thought like that and simultaneously bedoing something else? I felt paralyzed in my mind, butthewhole time he was talking to me aboutsome video game and I was hanging up his shirts. I couldn't remember thenextthree steps.I still did not hide the knife. I did not give in to anymore compulsions right away. I felt like I needed to run away from him but I did not. I felt like I needed to tell someone and hide but I did not. However, I did finally give in and research OCD online for hours yesterday. Only to realize that that is indeed a compulsion. This is so hard to do. I feel like I have to be on guard all the time. But I guess I just need to be more proactive in my self help treatment. I need to practice everday instead of just waiting til I spike. This just blows! Why do we have to put up with this crap in our lives? Why should anyone have to be like this? What a wretched way to be.