I'm not sure why I'm here, except that I have been in this place, emotionally and spritually,before and there was no one to relate to then. I had a complete breakdown about 20 years ago and I'm kind of afraid that I may be close to another one. I don't remember much about the time immediately after the breakdown, but I do remember what an awful feeling it was once I became aware of what had happened and I never want to be there again. I think that maybe if I had been able to talk to someone who understood where I was before I reached that point, I may have been able to avoid melting down completely. Then again, maybe not.
I only know that it is different this time. Back then, I really wasn't aware that I was depressed; it was just the way I felt all of the time. It was normal for me. I didn't like it, but it just WAS. This time, I am completely aware of my unhappiness, of my fervent wish to just be DONE already! I am not suicidal, per se, but I wouldn't object to just going to sleep and not waking up in my bed the next morning. I am just so tired. I feel like I have accomplished all I was supposed to accomplish. I am overwhelmed by the stresses of life, in general and don't feel joy anymore. I am very spiritual and pray often, every day, for relief; for a reason to want to continue in this life. I pray for less stress, less sadness and that I will never get to the point where I consider ending my own life. I don't feel that should ever be an option.
While I have friends, I no longer feel close enough to any of them to talk about my feelings of pain and inadequacy. They all have their own issues to deal with. My husband has his own issues, also and feels threatened, somehow, if I hint at wanting to talk about how I'm feeling. He takes it personally, like some kind of criticism of him, so to me, he is like a brick wall. But I'm afraid of how this is affecting even my marriage. I love my husband, but feel he finds more and more lack and failure in me these days and is very critical. He tells me often how he thinks I'm not happy with him anymore, and that is not true. But I am definitely getting so discouraged with his constant criticism and lack of faith in our relationship. It just adds to everything else I'm feeling.
I just don't know what to do. I have big medical bills from my husbands health issues, so there is no extra money for counseling co-pays (besides, I lost all faith in counseling back when I had my breakdown). I just needed to vent all of this; I don't expect anyone to have any magical solutions or anything like that. I don't even know if anyone will read this and it doesn't really matter, I guess. I know I am just one of many and there are those out there who are in a much worse place than I am. I try to be grateful, in that regard, but I'm just not feeling it.