So, it's been a while since I last wrote a blog or have even been on here. Well, I'm not dead, so that's good … right? I'd say it is.

Not too much has been going on, as I'm sure you know. The computer was off for a while and had to get fixed shortly after my last blog entry. It took a while to fix, then it needed a new operating system. Same one from before, but one that wasn't infected, I guess or something.

October was somewhat fun. I celebrated Halloween, as usual. Uh, didn't go trick or treating, as I'm too old for that. Walking around the neighbourhood in a costume and asking for candy seems a little strange at 19 – 20 years old. So, yeah, I turned the big 2-0 this past December 5th. It was disappointing, as usual. No real friends to spend the day or evening with, though my Mom did buy some take out and rented some movies I hadn't seen yet. I put on a happy face for her, mainly. I didn't even feel like getting up that day. I would have much rather just slept the day away. Maybe watch some television and read something or write something.

I've been going to my therapist and she's, uh, not been available the past few weeks. Her daughter had a baby, so she's taken off time to help her with it. My sister also had a baby. Another nephew for me. Yeah! Even though, they're in Oklahoma, so it's not like I get to see him or my other nephew and niece. I miss them.

I've let my mother talk me into going to college. Why I let that happen, I don't know. I'm scared out of my mind and I have to start on the 14th. I've told my Mom that I am completely scared, but she says that I need to do it because I'll make friends and get to be more social. I don't know. I was never really social to begin with, but whatever. I just hope I can make it until May. That's when the first semester is over.

My mom's made me angry again with the claim that she thinks most of what I do is an act. Like someone would purposely act scared of people and social situations and act as if they are depressed and want to jump in front of a speeding car sometimes. Yep, that would be so much fun to act out every single day of your life. I think she thinks I blame her for the way I am, so she keeps denying it and minimizing everything. I don't blame her … completely. I do think that when I was younger and in school and people would ask me to go places and she'd say no because she didn't know them and I'd never get to go anywhere but home and to school. Well, that might have had a bit to do with the anxiousness, but even that is iffy. I mean, truthfully, if I really wanted to go, I could have just gone and got back before she got home from work at 9:30. She'd probably never even know I was gone. But that could have been dangerous, going somewhere and no one knows you are there and you've no way to contact someone in an emergency, so I guess she was just being protective, but she'd got to stop at some point.

 Well, my sister might have moved out, but now my aunts and grandmother have moved in. It's a tough situation for me because my grandmother is here. I'm so close to her and when she got sick and couldn't talk and play around with me anymore, it really got to me. So, now, she's here everyday and I have to see her and watch her suffer … it's like complete torture and, of course, no one understands that. I have no one to talk to about it, and even then, it won't make it any better. I also get sick of everyone monitoring me. I'm a freaking adult. I'm 20 years old and not 10 anymore. I don't need people watching me cook, knocking on my door constantly asking me why I'm so quiet or whatever. It gets sickening. And yet, my Mom thinks I'm doing all this for attention. I would think I'd be rather happy by now with people always bothering me and being around, but no, I'm not. In fact, it has made me even more determined to move out. It's only for six months, but they've barely been here 10 days and I'm going insane.

About the guy who was bothering me from my last blog post, he did keep IMing me until the computer got shut off. I didn't change my screen name, but I do keep my blocker on at all times and only open it for my friends. If someone new wants to IM me, we've had to have talked before somewhere and if they start getting strange, they have to agree not to bother me if I don't want to be in contact with them anymore.

I've been a little down lately, moreso because of the relatives being here. It was already bad enough that my Mom picks on me and doesn't believe anything I say, one aunt couldn't care less and barely talks to me ever since she saw the cut on my leg. It's almost as if she's afraid of me. But I have another aunt who takes everything I do overtly serious and keeps a watch on me like a hawk. I can't have more than two aspirin at a time. If I have more, why do I have more. How do I feel today and now, and now, and now all day long? I feel like I'm going out of my mind. Plus, I can't watch television or play music the way I want because at any given time, someone is always sleeping or trying to rest. I could really care less about the television, but music is the only thing that really makes me happy. I got an MP3 player for my birthday, but it's not the same. No one, gets that either. Even my therapist joked about it. I have to see her this Friday, which I'm looking forward to in a way, but in another way not so much. It's nice to have someone to talk to, but she's paid to do it. It's not like if we'd been walking down the street she'd start talking to me the way we do. And I don't feel very comfortable telling people about myself, as I'm a very private person, and to be honest, a little paranoid, so therapy might be what I need, but it doesn't work because I don't really trust her and I know she only listens for the money. So, it sort of means nothing to me.

So, that's my update. I'm sorry I didn't send anyone holiday wishes and stuff, but I do now. Happy everything that passed. Oh, and Happy New Years!


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