I’m starting to notice that even my dreams are filled with some of the most anxiety-ridden moments I’ve ever experienced. Maybe the reason that I’m feeling better in “real life” all my worries and paranoias are being shoved into my unconscious? If that’s the case, it could prove to be way more dangerous than if I dealt with it while awake.

Just last night I had [i]two[/i] consecutive, panic-filled dreams — both involving people I was romantically involved with (though had never actually met in my waking life). The first one was fairly short, but scared me enough to wake me out of a sound sleep (which rarely happens). I dreamed that he (the dude I was involved with) and I were fighting, and it got to the point that he said he would kill me, and I told him (in my exact words) “I’ll eat your fucking face off.” *lmfao* Anyway, it ended up that he had this reeeeally sharp knife with him, grabbed me, and held it up to my eye and started pressing it in. I finally said something like, “okay, okay!” and things went “back to normal” I guess.

The second dream was panic-ridden in a different way. I was friends with this really rad guy. We were both really into playing video games (which, in real life would be a wicked turn-on), both uber-geeks, and could both tap into each other’s emotions really easily. Eventually it came to him telling me he loved me, but as much as I wanted to say it back, I knew I was very unavailable, remembering about my real-life boyfriend whom I’ve been living with for about 7 years. So as he’s looking at me and awaiting some kind of reaction or response, I just clam up and my “outside” shuts down (I think only panic-sufferers could really understand that statement), and I start to experience all of the symptoms of an incoming full-blown attack. Tunnel vision, “foggy hearing,” skin turning ice cold, heart pounding, and hyperventhilation. It continued to increase in severity, and while this was all happening, I was desperately searching for something to say. Absolutely [i]anything[/i]. When I’ve reached this point in the past, I’ve always found it hard to make something up…so I end up telling him that I don’t know what to say and have no clue as to how to react. I think he started apologizing or something, and I noticed he looked really hurt — which just killed me. I wanted [i]so bad[/i] to be able to tell him that I loved him. But I know that if I did, it would make the situation so much more complicated and dangerous.

I’m not sure if I actually went into an actual panic attack, and I can’t remember much more of the dream. I do know that I woke up with the most incredible feeling of heartbreak and guilt. So much that it was really hard to breathe for a while even after I got out of bed.

It’s not normal for me to have dreams like this. Just within the past couple of weeks my dreams have turned into some of the most bizarre and unfamiliar experiences. Familiarity. That’s one thing I can almost always count on in any dream I have. Something from my waking life or memory is alway showing up, no matter what the content of the dream. A person I’ve met, a place I’ve been before, a song I’ve heard, etc. But not lately have these things popped in even for a second. Perhaps this is a big reason why my dreams are so scary. Familiarity is a “comfort blankie” of sorts — even in my waking life. I could be in the most unfamiliar of places, surrounded by the shadiest of people, but as long as I have something from home with me or can identify something familiar, my anxiety level will stay moderately low and I’m able to think with a level head. But the instant that aspect is removed from the situation, my thoughts scatter and I enter into that “fight or flight” mode…but if neither of those options are available, it’s panic attack time.

Gotta go get ready for dinner at my grandmother’s now. I’ll report on more dreams at another time. I feel pretty good at least getting ’em down in a blog, anyway…even if I can’t make sense of them. ^_^

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