I haven't been on in awhile. I started therapy, but this being the Boston area, therapists are stretched thin and can only see patients about once every 2 weeks. At least my therapist is good though.

I'm experiencing increased anxiety for several reasons. The major one is my health. I have Meniere's syndrome which causes debilitating vertigo attacks randomly, without warning. This has led me to miss a lot of work either because I couldn't drive to work because of the vertigo or because I'd be at work, have a vertigo attack and need someone to drive me home. I can't stand up without holding onto things and I've spent more time sitting and lying down due to this illness than even lazy old me likes to! I want to be able to drive, walk, do anything without vertigo. So far, none of the treatments has worked, I have 2 more injections in my ear before they start doing an injection that is meant to destroy my inner ear chemically (to avoid surgery). Allergies make it worse, but my allergy meds don't work and I'm allergic to grass and ragweed which is everywhere right now, so I'm kinda screwed.

As if that weren't enough, one of the things I'm working on in therapy is becoming more assertive and being comfortable with being assertive. I'm brought back to the night I lost my virginity because I told the guy I didn't want to take my clothes off, but I let him do it anyway… I have called it rape before because that is what it felt like, but more and more I'm thinking back and realizing, I gave him permission at each progression, I resisted at first but in the end, I allowed him to go further into my discomfort zone because I was too afraid to say "no". Not because of anything he did or said, just because I am always afraid to say no to anyone. So it wasn't rape, which makes me more anxious oddly, because it means I failed myself, I was wrong, I was the dirty one.

I have to go 5 more days till my next therapy session and I'm not sure I can make it without cutting myself…. it's my release of all these negative emotions and I miss that feeling of calm I get. Yes, I'm ashamed afterward, but I still get this feeling of calmness that I can't get anyway else. Even the deep breathing and visualization exercises my therapist has me do haven't given me the same results….

How I wish I could have an emergency session…..