So this is my 1st blog on DT. There is a "Mood Selection " tab right under "Blog Title." I choose Don't Know" because I have a mix of many feelings right now. Among them~~Angry, disappointed, anxious, fearful, frustrated, lonely~~~Sad.

 

Finish later~~So I'm back to finish my 1st blog~~July 4, 2011

My life, quite litterally has been decade after decade of nothing but loneliness. Sure I've had some good memories tucked in here and there. but the majority of my like has been lived in isolation & loneliness.

But these last 5 years have got them all beat. I live in this big city with no friends. None other than my 2 sweet dogs and of course feline room-mates. I have no car, nor can I afford one.

I have lots of family that either don't know I exist or they don't care. I have neices and nephews that I've never even met.  

So I've sunk into this deep dark depression due to my circumstances and I can't get out. Damn, I haven't even had a date in 12 years!!

I've tried hiding this depression from what  few family members I do stay in touch with. I have 1 Aunt that calls me regularly. She lives a 6 hour drive from me. And a cousin that calls once in a blue moon.

I never would have predicted this to be my life~~~ever. It's not the life would have ever choosen for myself. I always pictured myself with kids & married. But, it Never happened for me. And I wake up one day, nearly 53 years of age and realize it's never going to change.

I moved to my current location under the encouragement of  what I thought were my 2 best friends (sold my raggedity car to have funds to do it on by the way), but once I got here they kinda disappeared on  me. Never hear from them any more. I almost feel as it they played a cruel joke on me.

It's very hard for me to reach out to people for help~~so I just keep it all inside and cry to my dogs…..the only living thing with a heart beat close by.

I've had many loney periods in my life~~but none more lonely than these last 5. I'm up all night, because the night especially being so alone terrifies me. Panic attacks set in. All I see is this never ending darkness. And I wonder what do I do or where do I turn from here?

In my experience, people just don't care or want to be bothered any more. I'll give an example~~couple weeks ago we had Tornado Warnings and one actually touched down only 3 blocks from where I live. I'm on a 2nd floor apartment. Well, I was terrified so I ran down to the 1st floor, knocked on my neighbors door and asked if I could wait it out with her. She told me NO~~because her apartment was messy?? I was dumbfounded.

Anyway~~I have no idea how to wake up from this nightmare I'm in. I have no one to turn to~~no where to go. No way to get out of this. My only link to the outside world is the 1 Aunt that calls me  and  those I meet through this computer.

I would call that a very dismal existence,  I have this fear of dying alone and no one finding me until it's much too late. I wake up in panics feeling as if I'm sitting here just waiting to die.

I sometimes want to call my siblings and other relitives and ask them why can't they be a part of my life or at least call once in a while just to tell me you're thinking of me?

I have lived a very sad and lonely life. And I don't feel as if it's ever going to end or be anything different from what it is now. I'm always hoping  it gets better but the last 52 years have prooved me wrong.

1 Comment
  1. PaulO 9 years ago

    Thanks for sharing. I’d rather see an honest list of feelings like yours instead of a list of clinically defined syndromes. 

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