I'm sorry to all of the readers that my blog appears depressing often. I shouldn't always write about the bad, I should focus on the good. I do have a lot of fun, happy times, but during those time, I'm preoccupied, and so typing out my feelings and concerns doesn't seem relevant.

Anyway, today I just got this 'lovely' letter in the mail from the government of Canada;

""I am writing to you about your Employee Insurance Claim, In order to give our claimants the highest quality service, we are holding an information session. At this session we will talk about: programs and services that help you find work, and yours rights and responsibilities under the employment insurance program". At the session, we will ask you to provide additional information about your claim. You must come to this session and or your Employment Insurane may be stopped."

At first I felt strongly offended. This hadn't happened to me last year and I hadn't heard of anyone else receive this who was on unemployment! I felt targetted, like the government was accusing me of something.

Truth is, I do feel somewhat guilty. I've only been on unemployment since the middle of October after working full time for 7 months. I've only received two cheques. I HAVE updated my resume, and it looks great. And, I have browsed many Social Service Worker jobs (which is what I'm specifically looking for), from monster.ca, workapolisis, jobgym, jobbank, and even a bit of networking from friends). However, I have not directly applied for said jobs and they ask for proof of this. I guess I procrastinated with the big move. I wanted to wait to Jan so I could adjust to the new place. And I also thought they'd target people who have been on umeployment for long periods of times (I've never been on it past 5 months!). I work at a seasonal job. I cater to tourists. It's not what I hope to be my career. I receive just over minimal wage and I am a supervisor. I DO have it guaranteed for me if I fail to find my Social Service Worker job and it will be back up by April.

But my … procrastination is a result of my consent worry. I concern myself that I won't fit into my new job. That I'll be fired in a Social Service Worker place (I was fired from one of my places once because of my anxiety). My stomach hurts over thinking of 'what if' I get an interview. I graduated in 2009 and I still have nothing to show for it! What would I say to an interviewee? X-D

And what's the point in looking for a retail/sales general job if I have one that I'm actually comfortable with and doesn't kill my stomach? It's better to just wait for that job to come around again!

People have told me to just to send out a few emails. I only wish I had sent out at least one. The paper to fill out does ask if you have a company to return to, and I do.

I have no idea what to expect and if I'll be interviewed quality. I know it's an information session and there will probably be other people. But I need those benefits, at least for now! This new apartment … my boyfriend can't and shouldn't have to pay for everything on his own. 🙁

My mother and boyfriend both think that I should go and make it clear that I'm diagnosed with ADD and OCD. But then I'd have to go back and get the papers from my doctor which I'm embarassed about. (I haven't used them since I was 18 and needed them for College.)

I know I can't use OCD as my excuse forever. I know I need help and medication and I need someone to help keep me on track. I really like contributing to society and when I work, I work very, very hard! I don't like not working!

*sigh* I think I'll be obsessing over this for a few days. I guess tomorrow I better send out at least one email to a Social Service Worker job and bite the bullet. Last year I had sent out two, with no responses.

On the bright side, I've been backed into corners before and have always managed to fight back the anxiety/ocd demon … at least for a little. When it comes to living, I'll fight. I'll do whatever I can no matter how much it hurts or how bad the headaches or fatigue are. At least this pushes me back into reality. I can't hide forever from new jobs when I desire so much.