This is another one of those things that I'm not really sure can be attributed to my OCD or social anxiety, or maybe a little bit of both, but it definitely is a total pain! When I am around other people, friends or otherwise, and find myself saying or doing something that I am not totally happy about, I replay the situation over and over again. I think about what I said, what I could or should have said, how much better things have gone, and how badly I screwed up. It's like the situation just keeps haunting me.
Last night I was talking with my roommates, people I did not know until I moved in with them a little over a month ago, and who I have struggled to get adjusted to. They all knew each other before, are on a school sports team together, and I was at a disadvantage from the start as far as being the odd one out. I've really fought my anxiety, tried to go places with them, be kind and as social as I can manage. I leave them good luck cards when they have games, offer them anything I cook/bake, and just try my hardest to treat them as I would want to be treated. It's been a struggle and I'm not sure I'll ever feel like I fit in, but there were days when I felt good about my accomplishments. Anyway, last night we were all in the kitchen and talking about how our parents treated us compared to our siblings. I mentioned that it had to be hard for my brother because I got really sick when I was 10 and took a lot of my parents attention. The illness I was referring to was my OCD, but I didn't really think the whole statement through. Inevitably, one of my roommates asked what the illness was and I was stuck. I just said that I had incredibly bad anxiety and left it at that. But at that moment, I felt like I was some kind of extreme buzz kill. I felt like things just weren't the same, that I had really screwed things up for good this time. I felt like the whole mood and opinion of me changed and I regretted saying anything. I have been replaying the situation, worried about how to interact with these people I have to live with, and so scared that that little piece of information has entirely changed their view of me.
I'm sure they noticed my anxiety from living with me for the past month, but I just feel like actually saying it has burdened them with something they shouldn't have to, and probably don't want to, deal with. I'm really not sure how to act around them. Part of me just wants to act normal, to kind of prove to them that I'm just fine and not some kind of crazy person, but another part just wants to hide because I assume they don't want me around anymore. I have class all day followed by work, so I won't be home with them much at all today, but going home from work tonight will be nerve wracking and I'm sure I will have replayed the whole situation another million times by then.
But the good news is one of my closest friends is coming to visit this weekend and I know that will provide a much needed break from all of the anxiety of living with unknown people. Hopefully they will be able to experience the real me when I'm around my friend, what I can be like when I'm not so scared.