i never felt so alone as i do right now. i think it may be the holidays are here and i am not with anyone. i look like shit so i can't imagine being with any one any way.
i have to laugh when they ask me about my thoughts when i go to the physicians assistant or therapy appointments …the bad thinking does not come up then but on nights like tonight. my mind is racing and i am board out of my mind but at the same time do not want to go out of my room. i spend a lot of time there with my only company…my poms! no matter what they are there for me no matter when if i am depressed or fine….i hate to admit it but the happiest times in my life is when i had a girlfriend and it's been a long time since my ex and i broke up and i am very lonely. i hate being alone. i hate it a lot to!
not sure how i am going to make it through the holidays…i wish they were over.
i recently lost a job for the first time in my life and am on disability and i counted on that little extra income to make it through the month. not sure if i am going to be able to keep my home much longer. i made arrangements with the mortgage company to get caught up on my payments but i only made it through half way of the agreement before i lost my job. i need to call them to tell them i will not have the payment i committed to on the 6th of next month. scared to think about what they will say so i am putting off making the call. i know it has to be made and i hope i can find it in me to call soon.

more to come…….