So I've had this killer headache all day. I blame finals week… lol. Just thinking about the future, or lack of… I just don't know now and days. I should be happy. I mean, it's Christmas and everything. But when I'm thinking about. The man that I have called my father for 15 years is gone… My big sis is gone. My own brother won't step foot in his own house because of my mother's boyfriend…. It's just me, her, and her boyfriend. His kids are taking over the house and it just makes me…. a mixture of feeling… Sad, mad, depressed, powerless… I used to be the one that called all the shots around here. I was more stable then my own mother and she looked to me for guidance when she didn't even know what to do… Now, the kids have her wrapped around her finger. Even though she claims that we are broke, we spend a crap load of money on them…. and nothing on me. I don't mind that last fact. I mean, life is not about money. Well, it shouldn't be about the money. But I simply feel like she is lying to me because if we were truly broke, then we couldn't afford all of those luxuries. And I mean REALLY CAN'T afford.

And the house…. is it wrong of me to be upset to see the demons (her boyfriend's kids) stocking with the rest of the family's? I mean, what did I expect?! They are a part of my life whether I like it or not… But I just get upset whenever I look at all the stockings. To see them amongs the rest of the family. Or what could be a family. My own brother and sister don't even want to come over here. I mean, I have to deal with her boyfriend and his kids 24/7… The least they could do is be my back up for a couple of hours…. And… and… So years ago we made these homemade stepping stones. They are concrete and you can decorate them with your pictures and other assorted things….. Well, I come home after spending the night at my grandparents and see one on the counter…. I didn't think anything of it as I go to take a closer look. It was all three of their pictures, mother's boyfriend's, and mom's picture within the stone… Along with OUR garden imprinted on it…. Is it bad that this slowly just broke my heart and broke it into little pieces that can not be fixed?! Am I a bad person for thinking this way? I just… I feel like I am lossing my mother to these kids and her boyfriend. I feel like I'm slowing becoming less important to her because she has these NEW, YOUNGER, MORE INTERESTING kids around who actually want to be with her 24/7 and who admire her like no other….. I love my mother. I must admit that sometime I don't show it but that's because I've been with her the longest. It's like I assume that my mother knows that I love her and that she truly means that world to me. I think she is the strongest person in the world, truly. She's gone through so much and sure she has her breakdowns but what sane person wouldn't?! She's always had at least of sliver of hopeful thinking which makes her the strongest person I know…. I just don't want to lose her.

So this Christmas I tried to get my sister and brother to come out for Christmas to like spend the night but it didn't work out so well. Mother told me how she doesn't like Christmas because it reminds her that her children have slowly left the nest. My sister is 22 and has her own life. My brother is more consumed with his father to be over here (plus he doesn't like her boyfriend…) And I have a year before I am out on my own (Little over a year. My 17th birthday is in January!!!) The holiday's for her is just a sad reminder of all the people that she has lost or will be lossing in the near future. So i was going to try to make her feel better in having the whole family be her on Christmas…. and it didn't work out. So I was thinking that we could do it next year. Which may end up being better. Because next Christmas will probably be the last Christmas that I have while I am living in this house. So it can be like a last memory type of thing. Something that she can think about throughout the year whenever she is missing her babies…

Anyways, that's everything that is new with me. Thanks for reading! Sorry if I bored you 🙂


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