i just feel so awful right now, i was fine, now im awful, ive been on the verge of tears all day. i just don’t know where i’m going anymore. im surrounded by people but i feel alone. i feel like a failure, i feel dead, like nothing will fix me.
thus, there is this guy ive liked since freshman year. ive never felt like i connected so much with someone, but he always messes things up. he stops talking to me or he says the wrong thing, but….he always comes back even when i tell him i won’t give him any more chances. because i want just once for him to not mess up. he got me to go to the bar thurs w him, i went, i had fun, but he’s fucked with my head. he doesn’t understand why things never end up with us being together…..aka he just dissapears out of my life. he says, he likes me, he wants to be with me, not anyone else, he would never want to hurt me, he wants to be there for me, doesn’t want anyone else. i believe him, but, he’s so stupid he never knows how to follow through. he says he wants me, but, i can’t get him sometimes. he walked me back to my place, and he kept asking why i dropped out of college last year, he’s been waiting, wondering what happened, why i won’t tell him. i told him about my depression, and he didn’t understand, he wants to "be there" for me, but he doesn’t understand how i could have depression, who i could be depressed when i’m "perfect". i want to cry because i need someone so bad, he says all the right things, but….i don’t think he would be so heartless as to say that and leave, but ….
i dont know. i used to be ugly, unloveable, but looking better, having people want you, that doesn’t make things better. all i want is to be okay and i don’t know how to be okay. i opened up to this guy that begs me to give him a chance, tellls me all the things noone has ever told me, ever, and it fucks with my mind, he makes it seem so attainable, and, i can’t stand to be so close and not have it, because part of me really believes him, part of me thinks….i just feel awful and dont know what to do. school is so stressful and i cant think about it because of him, but i can’t bear to give him up if he says he wants to be with me. im pathetic, but for so much of my life i never connected with any guy, never really had someone that wanted me. its hard to confront the fact that i may finally have something, or i may have just opened my heart to some asshole who for the past two years has seemed so clueless. i dont know what to do. i want to feel safe somewhere and im all alone.