So I started working out for several reasons. i needed something productive to do. I needed a scapegoat to channel my anger somewhere, I wanted to lose weight (obviously), and I wanted my husband to be attracted to me.
its hard. Its hard staying motivated but I am doing it. I am going to the gym and working hard and giving it my all. I even have a cold but am still going. I'm trying not to be the old me and ooop since its not working i will just quit. No not anymore. Plus I dont think my husband is attracted to me. I know thats sad to say but I think its the truth.
I've always been pretty petite and in moderate shape. Never have I been Skinny or muscular or toned….maybe when i was like 12 lol. But this past month, of course the holiday season, I gained like 15 give or take 20 pounds. I didnt care I drank and ate and was happy. Until I realized I hated the way I looked and the way my clothes fit. over the christmas season my husband and I were very intimate. after i gained weight it was different. It was like I was this different person.
He never lies to be about how my clothes fit and will say no that doesnt look good or yeah that looks awesome. but now when i try something on I ask how does this look. I dont want my extra baggage to be prominent so I ask if shirts are too tight. He does that ehhhhhh it looks alright but not really looking kinda avoiding the situation. he doesnt look at me naked anymore. We also havent been intimate in over a month…the month that we both realized I had put on weight.
So me and my friend are hitting the gym hard. Still not seeing stand out results yet but I'm still working on it. But i think what hurt the most was yesterday i did not feel good at all. I told my husband i was just guna workout at home. he looked at me and said no you need to go to the gym.
It kinda hurts my feelings. today I was really down. really angry. to the point I wanted to hurt myself. I let it all out at the gym. I dont think I have ever sweated so much. I came back feeling awesome.
So i'm losing weight for me and I will look awesome….and i'll remember this time in my life and when he starts gaining weight or something….I will just look at him and say hmmm you should prolly exercise cuz I wanted a muscley husband not a flabby one. (not that I care what he looks like I love him and would love him if he weighed 200 pounds) But still sheesh sometimes guy can be so shallow even when they dont mean to. Ladies dont lie we are shallow too. Not descriminating any gender.
I guess I'm just venting. This is the only place where people dont judge me. i dont know what I would do without this site.
Just a thought… and maybe I'm wrong… but when he said you needed to go to the gym instead of working out at home, might he have been wanting you to get out with your friend(s) because he sees how much beeter your mood is (meaning he recognises that there are more benefits to be found at the gym than just weight loss) when you do go?
If you'd stayed home and worked out, you still would have had the exercise… so I'm thinking it was about the benefits of socialising and getting out of the house more than that he was thinking about how much you weigh.
Just my 2 cents.
This reminds me of a comment my husband made to me a couple of weeks ago. Not really a comment on the subject of your blog rather just a bit of solidarity.
So went to doctor and was told me that I am currently the ideal weight for my height and age. I skip out of the surgery into the wide open, waiting arms of my beloved and with a smile on my face and joy in my heart I shout the happy news into his broad, strong chest. He holds me at arms length for a moment and looking deeply into my eyes, replies:
"yeah but you fasted overnight so there's a couple of kilos" AND "even so you really need to tone up what you do have."
I could have ripped his armpit out with my teeth!!!
Samasaras….nope I went alone that day. my friend was out of town and he knew that. Going to the gym makes my anxiety really bad if she's not there and he knows that. So idk.