God I hate raging. It hurts my whole body. Just smashed upmy chair by throwing it repeatedly against the wall.A lot calmer now I've flooded my brain with jasmine and lavender oil fumes. it does actually work to calm down the physical effects.II can see this getting worse again now that I've left my job.

I'm so angry. What the fuck am I to do now? I put up with my miserable situation for far too long, it was making me physically ill, but now the situation I'm in has a whole set of new problems.

I couldn't win either way. Itwasn't that thattriggered me though, stupid behaviour from someone else did.

Do you ever think, what the fuck did I do in a past life that's earned me this eternity of hell?

I know it's not that bad really. I've got a roof over my head at least.

I am just sooooooooo sick of coping. Here come the suicidal thoughts.

Nothing ever gets better. Nobody's gunna help me, my therapist can only give me therapy for a set period of time, then she's just gunna leave me too.

So what the hell do I do? How do I escape this prison that is my life. I've tried running away before but it didn't work, I just ended up back here.

What if you try and try and try but nothing ever works, what then? Why continue trying.

I'm sick of the world, I'm sick of life. Nobody ever wanted me to be happy, nobody ever wanted me to succeed. What did I do that was so bad?

I'm sick of trying so hard to be well why the fuck should I try? No one gives a shit about me. Other people don't have to try so hard, they just are.

I hate my family, the bunch of headfucking bastards. They did this to me. With their fucked up, twisted ways.

Typical that the weeks I don't see my therapist are the weeks I need her the most. Isn't it great that I just get a random 2 week gap in therapy. You wait 6 months then you don't even get regular sessions. I didn't care at the time when she told me but now I do. What if 'm gunna kill myself while she's away then what? I wasn't given any advice of what to do if I'm feeling unable to cope or suicidal.

Just ride it out. Hope it will pass. Oh but don't fucking drink alcohol no, don't self medicate, just sniff some fucking lavender or read a book. Sure, when I'm screaming and picking up a heavy chair and throwing it until it breaks I can really just think, 'I know what will cure my rage! A good book!' Lmao

omg. I love my life.

1 Comment
  1. WildStarlet 8 years ago

    Today has been horrific. I feel completely drained. Haven't had a day like this in a long time. I didn't drink though. So that's one positive thing. And I didn't do anything stupid. That's two positive things. And tomorrow is a new day. That's three positive things. 

    Life is an illusion. Nothing is real. I am just here having an experience. I can change it. I was reading about wormholes and how some people have had strange experiences with time, either going back in time or experiencing the future before it happened. Pretty crazy. I believe time travel is possible. I believe anything is possible. I just need to sort my head out. Tomorrow I'm going to be making some plans and putting them into action. This day is over now. It's in the past. I intend to make the most of tomorrow. 

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