So I know one of the main things you're not supposed to do when you're on a miriad of antidepressants is drink excessively. All of my doctors and therapists have warned me against it and it's also printed in big bold letters on the medicine bottles. Leave it to me to push the limits.

Every year my cousin throws a HUGE Halloween party the weekend prior to Halloween. From about 7 p.m. to 11 p.m. the party stays family friendly, all of our aunts, uncles and cousins come, we have costume contests and pumpkin carving contests and a huge bon fire. After that, it's mostly all of the twenty-something cousins and friends and whatnots gathered around the fire, laughing, talking, playing games and exhausting the seemingly endless supply of alcoholic beverages. I've been feeling really down lately, frequently contemplating suicide or simply just disappearing from everyone's lives to somehwere where I can just hide. As soon as the party started, I grabbed an Angry Orchard and chugged. Never, through the whole duration of the party, was there a moment where I did not have a drink in my hand. As soon as I'd finish one, I'd grab another. It eventually got to the point where I could hardly walk or stand upright. I'm very thankful that, according to my cousin, I managed to be completely behaved the entire night. The only time she said I was frustrating was when she was trying to get me to bed because apparently I was falling all over the place (even when I was laying down) and smacking my head on everything. She was also worried that I was going to throw up, though I am glad to say I have never thrown up from drinking.

All in all, the night was a blast, however I am ashamed that I relied so heavily on alcohol to be relaxed and put all of my problems behind me. I do enjoy a few drinks now and then, just enough to relax and warm up, but I don't usually go to extremes. But then again, I am only 21 and it's kind of my social duty to get sh*tfaced every once in a while…right? I don't know. As ashamed as I may be, it's weirdly comforting to know that alcohol is there as an option, just as it comforts me to always know that I have suicide as an option or cutting as an option. I'm nowhere near alcoholism, as I don't actually crave it and can go as long as I want without touching a drink…I'm just surprised at myself because growing up I always assumed that I would despise alcohol asmy parents do and never touch a drop. I'll figure it out though. It's not a big deal, just something to think about I supposed.

Anyhow, enjoy this image my cousin captured of mefalling down and laughing my ass off at something that I do not remember at this point. It's embarassing and yet I love it.