Was in an amazing mood before i went to bed, imagining the absolute best of myself is possible, then couldn't sleep and now i feel terrible. I realise every now and then how completely mentally hopeless i am. I've known for a fact from when i was extreemly young that not existing would be the nicer option for me. I'm always going to be crawling out the struggle and when i'm on my deathbed i'm still going to be crawling out the struggle. I am completely insane and sick of saying that and people dissmissing it and saying the opposite like "no your not", how is that helpin me. You try to tell someone how it is and they won't believe you. i wish i could get a brain scan because i'm sure they'd find something completely messed up.Life is hopeless, i know it is but why do i carry on? Because i'm scared of death. It's always going to be hurtful. I don't understand that hope people have, it doesn't work in mylife. No matter how much hope i have, i can't meet anyone or make friends with anyone or even get any sort of connection with anyone. Logically it only makes sense to die but i don't want to, what's the point in that, that last bit of hope that keeps you in the hell. I may as well go to Switzerland and get euthanasia because i'm never going to have good quality of life, like a disabled person who can't speak or move, i have similar things but in a mental way rather than physical. I'm never going to make it and i can't pretend to be happy alone and knowing i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. i can't speak to people, can't understand/ readthem and they can't understand/ read me. I'm like the equivilent of a dog that no one wants. People laugh at me when i do funny thing's but that's it. They still don't want anything to do with me.That's all i've ever been able to get.
I'm in a constant fantasy escape, it's as if i'm socialising there instead. I'm socialising with imaginary friends in my head still. I missed another doctors appointment. They just don't take it seriously because it's something you can't see. Just going out with a bunch of friends is something i've never had and might never have.