I want cones, i want at least somthing to put me to sleep, cant stomache that much alcohole these days. fkn stomache… I dont want to want cones, not to relax. and maybe just cones by them self would be okay, i dont have a problem with smoking pot, its the reasons behind it, and that , its the feeling of pot and alchole that i crave, i crave codine . i want codine, alot. but of course i can only get over the counter , which is probley a good thing, since 30 Nurifin plus tablets make me sick as and does fuck knows to my insides. but i crave and long for the intoxication, why? why do i want this so much? becuase… i dont want to be inside my fckig head, i dont want to be left idle. i want to hurt myself, and im pretty sure my addiction to cutting doesnt help, as ive grown a fair tollerance, and NP, takes alot of the pain away, so I cut worse. i just. i want to be intoxicated, i know that i need to not. i really do. i know that i need to care, i know that its up to me. i know all this. but the problem with it being up to me, im the one person who doesnt have my best interest at heart, i dont care about what i do, and ,continue to struggle with caring about myself, not giving a shit, wanting to use, and wanting to get better. i just fustrate myself. . none of this would probley be a problem at this particula moment, but i actualy have no cones, I relised that i seem to be slightley better at dealing with it, if its a substance free day by choice, not just because i have none becuase its dry, or poor ( although i technicaly dont have the dollars for it, not that that usaly botheres me, spend money i dont have ) i ask myself all the time, but needs to give for me to pull my head out of my Ar*e , oh and i wouldnt really give a shit if my fuckin stomache wasnt so weak.. i wonder why it is? ha… just somthing else to piss me off…

1 Comment
  1. jjrocksarizona 9 years ago

    when are you going fess up to the real problem of being an addict first? for those of us who have a couple of decades behind us we have learned the truth and face it for what it is. get honest with yourself and the God of your choice and do something about saving your life. get yourself to some NA meetings, get some lady friends who are in Recovery and will help you because they have already gone through what you are going through. it's your choice today life or death?

     

    NA hugs and love,

     

    JJ.

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