I want cones, i want at least somthing to put me to sleep, cant stomache that much alcohole these days. fkn stomache… I dont want to want cones, not to relax. and maybe just cones by them self would be okay, i dont have a problem with smoking pot, its the reasons behind it, and that , its the feeling of pot and alchole that i crave, i crave codine . i want codine, alot. but of course i can only get over the counter , which is probley a good thing, since 30 Nurifin plus tablets make me sick as and does fuck knows to my insides. but i crave and long for the intoxication, why? why do i want this so much? becuase… i dont want to be inside my fckig head, i dont want to be left idle. i want to hurt myself, and im pretty sure my addiction to cutting doesnt help, as ive grown a fair tollerance, and NP, takes alot of the pain away, so I cut worse. i just. i want to be intoxicated, i know that i need to not. i really do. i know that i need to care, i know that its up to me. i know all this. but the problem with it being up to me, im the one person who doesnt have my best interest at heart, i dont care about what i do, and ,continue to struggle with caring about myself, not giving a shit, wanting to use, and wanting to get better. i just fustrate myself. . none of this would probley be a problem at this particula moment, but i actualy have no cones, I relised that i seem to be slightley better at dealing with it, if its a substance free day by choice, not just because i have none becuase its dry, or poor ( although i technicaly dont have the dollars for it, not that that usaly botheres me, spend money i dont have ) i ask myself all the time, but needs to give for me to pull my head out of my Ar*e , oh and i wouldnt really give a shit if my fuckin stomache wasnt so weak.. i wonder why it is? ha… just somthing else to piss me off…