Now, I remember why I stopped coming around here. I used to hide here. I used to hide from everything. It started during a time when simply getting through the day, without screwing myself over, was an accomplishment. If I didn't f@ck up, then it was a good day. Or, at the very least, I had done well. But, that was a long time ago. It's been two years since I've picked up, and my life is still a mess. It's just a new kind of mess.
Do people really change? Or do we just shift around in the same seat? I'm not saying I've swapped out for a new addiction. Nothing that concise… I'm just still a wreck, when I feel like I should have gotten much further. Somehow, back when, I managed to think that without all the BS, I would be this better version of myself. On medication… I would be a better version of myself. At least I hoped so. But, all of my flaws seem to scream just as loudly, just in different ways.
I really get sick of myself. I am so detestable. A friend recently asked me to promise not to resent him for knowing my secrets. Pretty screwy… how wrong do you have to be for someone to worry about a thing like that? But, maybe he just knows me well enough to realize how much I dislike myself. Based on that knowledge, he might speculate that I would question the quality of someone's thought processes, or character, if they could like someone like me. I don't think I have ever turned on anyone for liking me, but I can see the logic. I guess, sometimes people just want to move on, and be someone else. So, they cut ties with anyone who reminds them of who they were. Again, I can see the logic, and I may have even done this, at some point, but not now. If I've changed at all, I would like to believe I am less childish.
At least, I hope so.