I am feeling so wrong tonight.  So screwed up, and out of sorts.  So depressed, and worthless…  I don’t like myself, right now, and I don’t know why anyone does.  It’s unfathomable to me, at the moment.  I feel so awful.  Sometimes, all my efforts just seem like a sad joke – like I could never see this through, and how long am I going to torture myself with the notion that I could have something better?  Maybe, that low ass existence is where I belong – where I deserve to be, because I earned those chains, being a lousy person when I should have been better.  Failing at the things that mattered most…  or just leaving them unfinished…  giving up…  like a coward…  I know this is my depression screwing with me, but it’s hard to ignore that voice completely.  It can get loud.

"Stop the season, stop the sting
A plastic mic a broken string
Infected wound from a rusty ring

Soon, you’ll be there too"

I feel like a jerk because I am not up to calling my folks, the past couple of days – I can’t even handle talking to my mom when she calls.  I feel badly.  I know they miss me, and I love them, but I am a mess, and I can’t fake the smile I would have to muster – not even over the phone.  I haven’t talked to my dad in a while.

"Kissing families can’t recall
A program to derail us all
Forgotten prison, it’s been safe ’til now

It’s no wonder that we did it this way
Keep looking forward on paths sideways
It’s everything that is connected and beautiful
And now I know just where I stand
Move on
Roll along
Not today
It’s everything that is connected and beautiful
And now I know just where I stand

Thank god you’re heart is too close"

I feel so insufficient.  So insignificant…  people are probably sick of hearing this.  I am sick of hearing it, too.  I am sick of myself.  I am sick of nearly everything, at the moment.  Nearly everything…

"This can be the bitter end
I know it wont

Well someone said I made a mistake
Kept looking forward on paths sideways
It’s everything that is connected and beautiful
And now I know just where I stand
Seasons always shift too late
Spent too much time now on paths sideways
Everything that is connected and beautiful
And now I know just where I stand
Thank god it’s over…."  (Silversun Pickups, "Kissing Families")


1 Comment
  1. jeneva5 10 years ago

    Great song.  I wish I knew what to say to make the pain go away, but hang in there and I”m thinking of you.  Jen 

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