I finally found a ticket that I thought I could afford but it doesn’t matter. It was $409 roundtrip to an airport only an hour and a half away which Dad seemed okay with.

Half an hour later, he calls up and starts screaming at me that if my boyfriend’s Mom won’t pay for part of it, he won’t allow me to spend any of my money on it either.

I’m so tired of holding shit in about him, he doesn’t deserve to come off . Everyone should know how abusive he is, everyone should hear about how he beat me and my Mom, how he was an alcoholic for decades, how he came home at 2:00 in the morning after whoring around and drinking and always blamed us for it. He’d stumble into things, fall down and run all over the house naked. And it was all our fault, we made him do it.

He steals money from us because he says it’s all his. He tells me what to do every step of the way. I have no freedom, I have no life. He even expects me to come back here after college so he can keep spending my money. He never does anything out of the kindness of his heart, he’s the most evil, hateful person I’ve ever met. The things he’s said and done are hideous.

I don’t love him. I want him to die, I really do. I want him to suffer for the remainder of his life, I want him gone. All he’s ever done is torment me, hit me, boss me around, and use me. I’m not working until the end of the summer, forget it. He can get off his fat ugly ass and earn something himself the fucking bitch.

I’ll either get out of here or I’ll kill myself, it’s that simple. Because of him, I’m hateful. I’m stressed out nonstop. I’m angry and lonely and miserable. I distrust men and I detest alcohol. But maybe he should get a taste of his own medicine. Come the 9th, I’m buying a big ol bottle of alcohol, I don’t even care what, and I’m going to my room and drinking. If I have to totally self destruct, I will.

I don’t know if I’m going to make it, I really don’t. I’ve…done things before…only 3 people know about it…but I feel the pull to do them again. I don’t see much of a reason not to. I want a life or I want everything to just stop.