( I first wrote this in reply to a question on my comment page but it got so long I didn’t want to take up the person’s whole page with my babble so I just made it a blog post.)

I actually LIKE being alone and I hate being around people (I always feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me)..but then there are times that I just feel so lonely and like there is no one who would even care or notice if I died..It’s my own personal double edged sword.  I try and look for groups online with people I can connect to so I don’t feel so alone.. I belong to quite a few art groups, but I never talk about my depression there and most people I ‘know’ online would be surprised to know I am actually the way I am. (the depression/anxiety/agoraphobia etc).

When you say your depression makes you feel like you don’t want to go out anywhere, is that because you just don’t want to do *anything* or is it because it is specifically having to go ‘out’?

It’s hard to say when mine really started.. I didn’t get to socialize much as a child and once I hit 7 or so I was left home most of the time by myself (I was an only child).  I was never around people much except at school (where I fit in fine) but I do remember that was where I had my first panic attack. Just walking down the hall one day to class.  I just didn’t know what they were until a few years ago.

As far as going out of the house.. I have good days and bad days.. some days I wont even try and just thinking about it can put me into a full blown panic attack.  Other days I can step out on my back porch, but if I see a car or anyone coming I will go right back inside. If my hubby is with me I can usually make it to the car to ride along with him somewhere but I rarely go in, unless its wal-mart at like 3am. (seriously). 🙂  Or someplace I *have* to go in at, like a DR apointment, etc. At those times the anxiety is through the roof…

I do love photography though, and I do mostly nature photography.. hubby and I will go out to the middle of nowhere so I can take pictures.. I like being out in nature and with him along I usually do ok. 

I gave up my drivers license about 3 years ago (let it expire) because I was too scared to go and renew it and also I am too scared to go anywhere by myself anyway so I didn’t see a point in going through it. ..

Sometimes just being in traffic can set off a panic attack so I try not to go along if I think it will be busy at all. (altho sometimes this can’t be helped and I just have to go and deal with the panic when it comes or take a xanex.)

I’m sorry to babble on so much, I hope I answered your question cynlyn? If not please let me know 🙂

1 Comment
  1. cynlyn101 13 years ago

    Thank you for addressing ME personaly. Yes it answers some questions, but also raises others. I go to work still. But since I own my own business sometimes I dont leave the house for three or four days and whenever I hear a car coming up the road..I panic and lock the doors in case it is someone coming to visit me and I pretend that Im not home. Im not sure why.. I think because I feel "needy" so I dont want to apear in need of anything. Does that sound wierd ?

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