This blog is going to be a little more negative than I would like it to be and I apologize for that but sometimes we need to get things out, and life isn't all rainbows and sunshine all the time, as much as I try.
People in this world are not attracted to weakness, to weak things, to small things, to things that are considered less than ideal. As I talked to my therapist this week along with other interactions I've had with my ex and other people, I realize that as of right now, I am not someone that anyone would want to be with or keep as company, and that sucks for me.
When I think about it though it makes sense. Why would my ex settle for a depressed 5'10" 130 pound guy still living at home when she can go out and get a 6'5" guy with his own life? It tears away at me to know that she doesn't want me, but I get it, I'm depressed, I'm weak right now, hell she doesn't even respect me because I let her have power in the relationship. Maybe I should've walked away long ago but I'm too attached to do it, she knows it, I know it.
I feel terrible to say the least. Yeah, I hit the gym and I have done a ton of work in the last month to try to begin creating my own life and being strong and centered, but I always feel like it's never going to be enough. It would be easy for me say, to find a mate on an online dating site, but it would be one that I'm not attracted to, so really what is the point? And it would be easy for me to make a few internet friends, but struggle to find ones in public. I find myself thinking I'm too weak to make friends, I'm too weak to find someone who loves and respects me that I'm interested in, and I'm too weak to live on my own without others.
My goals for the year at the beginning of the year:
-Form healthy social relationships
-Get organized on staying consistent with music
-Go to a few major "fun" events
-Make a serious plan to finish college/advance career
-Declutter, remove unneeded posessions (and spending)
-Keep room organized
-Resolve anxiety problems
-Deal with self-esteem issues
-Make healthier eating habits
-Go back into gym, gain 5 pounds
I would say out of all of this, I've done 3 or 4 of them, but I have failed in other areas. I'm nowhere near close to making friendships (my therapist told me it can take a couple years to really build a strong social foundation though), I go to college now and have a clean room, but I'm no closer on my self-esteem issues, I'm still massively underweight and I'm lonely, depressed and tired.
People have been telling me I've been handling things well, but I kind of snapped today. It's not making anything better, and I've always been impatient. Appreciating what you have and remaining positive are good tools but if life keeps giving you crap sometimes it's hard to keep it up.
Maybe I've just snapped a bit I don't know but I'm tired of being lonely, tired of being told "just keep pushing on" and today I just want something to go my way.
I admit this is all a stupid, petty, selfish perspective, and I hope that I return to fighting the good fight, but this is how it feels.